future

i just have always felt like i dont know it. 

i never had those big dreams and plans as a kid like `i want to be a doctor` or something like that. 

i just always was like i was. 

i cant make a huge decisions. 

i cant even make decisions like what color shoes should i choose or some stupid shit like that. 

gonna start with that i never thought im gonna be alive right now. 

i always thought that this year of my life is my last. 

even a year ago. i was full on thinking that.

if you ask me now. i dont even know what now. 

i never thought i will have a place somewhere. 

or that i will perfectly fit somewhere. 

i still dont lol 

but i mean. its not looking so hopeless now i guess. 

but at the same time. 

i dont know how im going to feel about it in a year. 

these thoughts eat me alive every day. 

actually i was thinking about it because of this song (camden by gracie abrams) and how good she put everything i couldn't say into the words. even though i write myself, some hurtful topics i cant put into clear words and say how it is. sometimes i just dont want to admit it.