hi, im going to try to keep this genuine and not dramatic to the best of my ability for the sake of respect. I dont want to milk the events talked about, i dont want to make fun. Im going to talk about myself. I kept the title brief, but for a synapsis of this blog entry ill be talking about my experience with a fandom during the pandemic and a certain creator's impact on me.
When the pandemic hit, I was in a pretty rough place. I felt maybe the shittiest I had felt maybe in my entire life. I had barely made it through the end of my 7th grade year. Going into 8th grade, i felt lifeless, apathetic, uninterested. I barely had shit I enjoyed day to day. Little passions, little things. The DnD club I ran, playing cards in my spare time, reading. And, these little youtube videos id watch afterschool everyday.
I got into the Minecraft Youtube scene in the beginning of its rush. Right after the start of the Dream SMP shit, I got very into it. Hell, I met my closest fucking friend by extension through my connection with MCYT. As time went on though, I lost a lot of interest in the different personalities. It all became more mainstream, and as months went past of 8th grade, I stopped watching Dream and most of the others. I kept watching this one guy though. Technoblade. I eventually stopped watching Minecraft videos as a whole except for this guys shit. I cant explain why I loved him so much to the extent that I want to, so I'll just grasp at some surface level things that drew me to him. He had this level of Charisma brought up by his humor, confidence, and wit. He was so fucking funny. He had this stupid laugh that I'd always laugh along with when I heard it, his little catchphrases and noises were hilarious to me at the time. His humor was smart and satirical, he kept his content interesting and felt interactive. Some of his more popular videos Ive watched tens of times, and at the time I would make sure I'd watch every livestream when it happened afterschool. God, he just felt good to watch.
Now, I know there is a lot of shit about parasocial relationships out there, and let me just say I think the concept and attribution to some fanbases, including the Minecraft Youtube fanbase, is well deserved. I know from seeing friends and people close to me how enraptured in fantasies fans can get, considering themself personally connected to the creator. I wouldnt say though that I feel a "personal" connection to Technoblade, I just really admire him. He was a lot of things that I wanted to be in life: sly, sarcastic, strong. Both in gaming skill, speech, and persona. He was just so, so cool. Thats it. The guy was fucking amazing. Even when I moved on, even when I thought (and still to this day kind of think) that MCYT fanbase and fandom is embarressing and childish, I held in my heart a respect for him. Id watch his videos with no context, id look back on his shit from time to time. He was the one that I really kept in touch with. I heard he had cancer a little while back, and watched his videos about them, felt bad for the guy, but had a feeling his strength would prevail. That was the last time I thought about Technoblade in months.
Today, I was watching a livestream on Youtube, when I saw something mentioning Technoblade in chat. I thought it was spam, until a friend told me that he died. I didnt really believe them. I knew his cancer was bad, but I thought they were joking, and got really offended. Checked twitter.
Look. This whole writing, this whole blog post. Yeah, i know its fucking dramatic. Im sorry this is just how i write. But im not exadurating when I said my stomach dropped. I struggle with depression. It presents not as sadness, but intense apathy. When i watched his final video, read the comments, i started crying. I havnt cried in a really long time. The last time i cried was over my ex girlfriend, months ago. This, this felt real, not dramatic, not heartwrenching, but just this overwhelming feeling of loss. I didnt feel connected to him really, but he represented strength to me. Both as a figure, but also as a hallmark of a time for myself where I perservered. He was there for me in a little way when I struggled, and seeing him gone hurt. It hurt more than i could expect.
If you dislike the MCYT fanbase, thats fine. If you like the MCYT fanbase, thats fine. I just want to take a moment to honor this guy for playing a small part in keeping me sane, for getting me to where I am right now. Im not saying his videos litterally kept me alive, but that was something i could go home to. He was a fucking legend. Techno will be in my prayers.
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