crying on the toilet (3/31/22)

it's ironic, i came in for a quick pee but i kept thinking. i took a gasp and the tears formed, my vision became blurry. it's the privatization of the bathroom that makes it so enclosed and safe? you do everything here but no one's seen you do anything. you go in and you come out. it's a little box that keeps your secrets. my eyes focused on the small stain of the wall, yellow, thoughts and thoughts kept rolling in like students after the bell rings. but they're so unfinished i tried to swim back to think about them again. the rivers too fast though. let me stay on a quiet stream and space out into my mind. i'll think of myself and compare it to others. i'm never good enough, no wonder she gave me a side eye today or that they pushed me a little too hard. i'm not enough to put people in their place. they're better than me. i'm just a kid, one who does nothing and will never do anything. i cant change anything because i spend too much time thinking. im a good kid thought, right? i'm good in school, i don't do anything bad, i do what my parents ask, i try to keep myself above water. is my trying not good enough? i'm just like you, we are the same. i can't be your friend. if i were though maybe i wouldn't be here in the bathroom crying. my face doesn't look like me. my smile shows my insecurities. everyone knows me but who likes me? no one wants to be around me, what did i do? did i talk to loud, did i not talk enough? am i not what you expected i try to be like her. i try so hard yet nothing comes out. i'm not funny or original, i'm not good at anything if everyone else is good at it too. what can i be? i miss my old me, she was. i miss her smile and her face, her hair, her clothes, her thoughts and her friends. she was so excited and so cool. she's the funny one and she's the nice one she's the one that he likes not me, i'm mean and gross. i do nothing good nothing good comes out of my mouth. i hurt and hurt and hurt. why am i so tired all the time i have things to do. i can't even be good at being bad, why am i so sad i don't have a real reason to be. i'm so average. i love you, but we are so annoying. we make our heart feel so heavy. we love we . we are one. i am one. i follow you. you follow me. there's nothing more to it. my gums are getting scars. and we make our thoughts so worried. we're so insecure, we make us feel so less. can we please just stop the conversation for us to look at ourselves and say, " i am equal. i don't think of myself as less, you don't think of me as a chore and a loser. you don't see me as an idiot little kid". we want wellness. we seem so advanced and so much more knowledgable. we make us feel dumb. we are having more fun then us. do we even love ourselves?