how do you even live with being really needy lol

it's been a rough few months and i'm really starting to wonder how i'll ever make any genuine friendships when i just doubt everyone. someone can be nice to me but then if their words don't seem to line up with their actions i get really suspicious of them. i mean, of course, everyones gonna be nice for the sake of being nice and no one will always mean the nice things they say but it's still a little hard to get used to

like people will say "omg i love talking to u" but then they never text you first, they hardly seem to be interested in the things you're talking about. you just realise that they're saying those things to make you feel less sad and i appreciate but it just makes me feel worse when i remember that they don't actually mean it and those words lose meaning overtime if they're not genuine

on the other hand, i know how needy i can be lol. i love talking to people and sharing everything with them. i love streaming games im playing to them and showing them cool things i found in it or showing them movies/anime i like and stuff like that. i try as much as i can to like adjust with times and stuff and not impose myself on others all the time but it's still so hard to like keep doing that when people never seem to make any time for you. it just reminds  you again that you're always just pretty low on their priority list and even if they say otherwise, they'll always choose playing a game with their buddies over hanging out with you and it kinda sucks

it also makes me really hate people sometimes. which isn't fair, it's not their fault they don't like me as much but i get so mad and like i never actually say anything or let it show but it's so tiring going through that everyday i suppose. just want a break from all of this stuff sometimes lol