The end of an era - 25/06/2022

Because I'd barely been going into school, I noticed my mood was a lot better, I didn't actively feel like I wanted to die. I think, if asked, I'd say "yeah, I wanna die", but I didn't almost continuously think about it, it wasn't at the front of my mind along side my other thoughts. Just before my exams, I started having over-the-phone therapy sessions every two weeks, and I think its been helping, I knew it was going to be short term treatment, but I didn't realise that it meant I've now only got two more sessions left. I have been referred to, by my GP, a primary mental health service though, I don't quite know what that entail, as of now. I'm hoping I could get a diagnosis of what the hell is wrong with me. 

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is Dead (R.I.P), I forgot how I stumbled across Mayhem, currently looking into when he was in the band, I think he had a lot of potential. Kinda weird how I relate to some of the things he's allegedly said, like not feeling human, I think I feel that in a different way though for different reasons. I know I sort of link things back to the bullying but honestly, its one of the only things I can think of that has caused me to almost always actively think I should be dead etc. I've rarely felt like I've been treated like a human by people outside of my family, the only people that have accepted me is my current friend group, and that's all I really want. I just want to be accepted, I don't want to be understood, I do confess that I used to want to be feared, but that was simply just to try and defend myself. 

Whatever, my head hurts right now, I don't know why. I'll do my best to celebrate this weekend, I'm hoping for a better future but judging by all the shit that's going on in the world right now, the world is going back in time. *insert "Its evolving, just backwards" meme*