18

I have nothing to show for 17-18. Spent a lot of that time on drugs. Now that I've spent most of my time sober (1 month off weed) I've realized this just has to be a once in a while kind of thing. I like my life present. I like being there fully. 

I always feel guilty that I do not create as much as I used to. That a lot of my teen years have been lost to heavy drug use, intense trauma. I have been fully scooped out and left hung out to the world to air dry, and I will frizz and be gross and tangly and smell slightly of mildew. But then I realized it's better now to soak into the teenage angst- to wish I was better, cleaner, nicer, meaner- just to wish I was all of that so then in the future I can actually be that. I need to take one day at a time right now before I have to give my life structure. Right now it's excusable. And I love the soaking. I love the seeping. I love the stupid petty fights and the emotional mess that I am. It will make me better and stronger. I will be 30 one day. I will be 40 one day. Telling my kids about all the mess that I was, the mess that I still am, the heap of nothing that I will remain to be. 

I need to pick up the phone more often.