#02 _rotten

never did i expect to spiral down into a lost soul these past months ive hurt. this is written with no expectations of any remorse. i am in a very apathethic state. i don't care that i am alive but i am glad i am living somewhat. it is just now i rant about the horrible choices i make in life. all i want to do is indulge in my escapisms which have become worse and worse. they are no longer self destructive NEET tendencies. they are following the stereotypical parties, substance abuse and unstable relationships. i cant seem to make it better because the things that are suppose to signal red lift me up from the pit of the rotten apple. i feel otherworldy and complete just for a moment when i do. when i can feel.

i have this feeling that less and less matter. like the cards my hands have been given are unlimited and therefore i can just do whatever i want with them with no reprecussions of what may happen next. insstead of taking morally good initiatives, i decide to challenge the hand that has fed me. i was going to speak to my psychologist but our meeting was cancelled this week and still hasn't been rescheduled. i feel she will hate me when she hears how much ive deteriorated. i came out of my cocoon but instead of a beautiful butterfly im a broken shell of a person, im a snail without it's house. i cant find my home or where i belong. it is worse because i am running into the wrong circles, but i feel seen and that is the most dangerous thing to give someone like me.

_acceptance has never been so bittersweet.
in a sense, i am in a very comfortable place in my life. a lot of stressful events happen all the time. they dont seem to leave their mark once they come. i am still here and no matter the choices i have made i still live where i live, mentally i think the same and physically i am just like you.

this may be the eternal limbo. my hell, my purgatory, my heaven of great escape. if that's so im glad i get to live in it. someday i hope to get the thrill back from the simplicities of life instead of the busy modern. the seed that has been planted in my head is not blooming into a lotus but a venus fly trap.