Absence

Once, there was a time when you left me. I turned away for one moment and when I looked back, you had vanished. You must understand, I called for you, love. I called and called until I couldn’t anymore. My lungs were in my throat and my heart on the floor. You gave me no answer, no reason. 

The pain that I went through was the worst of my life. When it was the other way around, I wondered if you were suffering. I wondered if I had made the most grievous mistake in disappearing. I know now that I did. I was awful. Am awful. I hope I never make you feel that way again.

I thought I had hurt you and that was why you hid from me. I was so certain that I had accidentally dug my claws into your skin that eventually, I stopped calling. If I was the one hurting you, better for me to leave, right? But I couldn’t just go without ensuring your safety so I kept an eye out. I looked for trouble just in case you weren’t aware of it. 

And when trouble came, I called out to you again. Oh, you hated that. You didn’t like that I hadn’t given up and in that moment, I felt the same way. I thought that your absence was better than your hate. I still believe I was right. Even after your apology, I still believe you hated me. Or do hate me, whichever fits my mood. 

You betrayed my trust, love, and now I can’t put my trust in anyone. Much less you. Whatever I did to hurt you, I can see you’re still working through it. And don’t tell me I didn’t hurt you because even if it was a perceived attack, it was an attack regardless and for that, I give my deepest and most sincere apologies. Regardless, I’m still working through my mistrust. Even when we aren’t together, we are in the same boat. 

Still, you could never do wrong. There is nothing in this world you could do that would break the oath that I made to you. There is no amount of disfigurement that could make me think you ugly. Which is probably why our love is doomed to fail. Because even if you killed me a thousand times over, I would still love you. 

Forever yours, Hypatia