slumped

how do i tell people that my brain literally makes up consequences for itself for literally just thinking THE THING THE BRAIN IS SUPPOSED TO DO

bruh.

specifically existential ocd

i've been plagued with knowing my own mortality since a young age

my parents left me alone a lot as a kid but i was so scared that i would never see them again and that they would die on the way back that i would force myself to stay up and think of every horrific way they could die till they got home 

 i still sometimes do this...alot 

but less often 

and after dealing a lot with death my mentality is sorta the same 

i say yes to everything because if i say no what if that was the one and only chance i ever got to experience happiness??

or what if i die right after and regret never doing the thing i said no too..

well i wouldn't regret anything

id be dead 

but try telling that to my unfortunately still alive and fucked up brain

i think religious ocd plays into that a little 

catholic school taught me that god is watching my every action, every thought and he knows every intention better than you do

so that crude passing thought will be your ticket to eternal damnation 

and that's your fault

because you thought it 

lastly on the ocd trifecta contamination ocd 😻 my personal fav (my worst nightmare) 

you can't eat that. why? it's rotten and filled with bugs! you can't see that? well it is! 

no stop don't touch that! it's covered in mold so thin it's undiscoverable to the human eye and its infecting you right now just by being near jt! it's in your lungs and uh oh! it's seeped into your blood stream it's only a matter of time before the mold consumes you.

and you die. 

then the ocd cycle repeats 

toodles4now