Hollow

I rarely allow myself to  take in a deep breath and really allow everything to sink in when I feel happy or excited or euphoric. Instead I find myself dwelling on the melancholy events in my life and replaying them in my head until my eyes fill with tears and my heart begins to feel hollow. I blame myself for the hardships that I have faced in my life, I continuously beat myself up wondering if I had done something different or if I  had just kept my mouth shut would I have been able to avoid what happened to me? I think deep down inside I know that it is not my fault, I know there is no one to blame but the person that did that to me and those that allowed them to continue but I find comfort in my own sadness. I feel guilty when I feel joy and I shouldn't, many people have told me that it is unhealthy and that I should stop but if sadness is all I've known and sadness is what was there to comfort me when no one else could then why should I stop? How can I stop? I wish I knew the answer to my many questions.