#01 _desire

_ive always wanted to.

i wanted to write posts. unfortunately, i was never brave enough to do so. everything is saved on the internet as they say. the possibility of someone shoveling up the dirt from the tomb of my written paragraphs one day and read with great enthusiasm. perhaps the very likely possibility of strong negative intention towards me. fear was the driving force from staying away from something i wanted to do, even if i were to be protected by the weak anonymous presence i would have. no matter what i couldnt shake off the paranoia.

_i tried.

never have i written about myself online except online chats on numerous different platforms. I couldnt help it, i think it is inevitable. the connection you can feel from a simple response is so much different than any experience i have gotten to have. although i havent had many, i am glad that one of the most simple and acccessible thing is what brings me so much joy.

_i used to try different methods.

i am no stranger to putting down dates in ink and writing about my days. i would and i still do in my sketchbook since i have a tendency to abuse anything binded together with paper. an unfortunate circumstance that has sort of been worked around. the texts cpuld be as short as two words or as long as a whole page. As previously mentioned, my paranoia (that i believe stems from my individuality complex) made me create strange symbols to replace the alphabetical letters. they were still based on the same symbols but they were strangely composed in a way that you wouldnt be able to read what was being said if you were flipping through the paper. i still do it.

_i fell back into old routines.

when i was younger i used to wander to the school library. often it was an excuse to leave the classroom instead of pretending i was pissing my pants every single class. in my opinion the library couldnt even be considered a library. it was moreso about five shelves placed in the hallway between the mainhall and cafeteria. the library had a huge exclusive collection of unique books with genres like education, adventure, horror, romance and some other books the school was gifted or could afford. it was quite obvious no one actually read anyone of them because the placements of the books never changed and the collection was boring, stale and none of the books had absolute sense of integrity.

in that exact library i found a book about a kid who would study morse code in their freetime. somehow the main protagonist fell into conflict and needed saving. by using glass and tilting it back and forth towards the sky, they were able to communicate the letters S O S which in this case would be (. . . - - - . . .). i was so intrigued by it i studied the morse code myself and learnt it by heart. it got to the point where i wrote everyones names in morse and i started writing sentences in morse. unfortunately, i have lost this ability as i have with many other things. although i am still very grateful that this code symbol mess still stuck to me even now until adulthood.

_i start a new.

so here we are now, in the present. i finally have access and will to write online.
lets hope i continue writing these posts, or dont. i dont really care.

- spoink