A letter to Zach Galifianakis

How are your ferns today? I know you called them "wilted pieces of shit" in your last correspondence (not very gentlemanly of you, Gal) but I hope they've received some water since that time, about two months ago. If this letter is what reminds you to hydrate the ferns you were once so dedicated to, then you may be the wilted piece of shit in that house. You wilt from your dehydration of knowledge. Yeah. Fuck you, Zach Galifianakis. 

I'm kidding, I'm kidding...I kid you. Love your work. Between Two Ferns is an obvious highlight.

In your last letter (besides bitching about plants) you asked me how the documentary was going. I emailed (yes, modern technology, Gal) Jack the other day so he could select his favorite title option and we're going with: There's No Shame in the Wallpaper Game. 

As you know, Josh's favorite interview is Pete Davidson's (so far), when he took us behind the scenes of his DIY ferry boat investment to proudly display the custom wallpaper he'd designed for the ferry boat's prison-style cafeteria. Of course, I use the term "designed" loosely, because  it's more like Davidson pointed at his chest and said "put it on the wall". So what he has is more of a cafeteria wrapped in skin, with bad copies of the tattoos he's been removing etched between the pores. It's ever evolving, so I have to give him props for creating this living piece, because every time he gets another impulsive decision removed from his body, a tattoo artist has to be transported to the boat and work the tattoo into the repeating pattern of the wall. That cafeteria is a shrine to bad mistakes everywhere, which is rather fitting for the decrepit sardine coffin that is the Staten Island Ferry. 

You'll appreciate this, Gal: 

   We dropped by Lizzo's apartment (I was high, so I don't remember where...which is probably for the best...I wouldn't want to doxx her) to take a look at her "Annie Get Your Gun" inspired kitchen wallpaper, when she happened to mention this idea for a party game she had. I hastily scribbled it in my notes, so I'll copy down what I wrote so that you too can play this amongst your fern friends. 

"LIZZO's BATMAN GOTCHA GAME: VENGEANCE'D

- It's just like that game where teenagers try to get there friends too look at their hands which are below their waists in an 'ok' hand gesture

Well, you see why I thought you would enjoy that. It's up your trash alley of humor. I'm not positive if Lizzo really did say this piece on Batman (as I said, Jack and I were doing key bumps in the Lyft, with the driver's keys no less!) as I could've just come up with this manifesto on my own terms. 

In all fairness, because I can't lie to you Gal (you may be my closest friend besides key bump Jack), I don't know if we interviewed Lizzo. We were sent to an address to interview an individual with "Annie Get Your Gun" inspired wallpaper, who may or may not have been Lizzo, and upon return from the interview our boss asked us if we "got it" and we were too nervous off the comedown to ask who it was we had supposedly got. Therefore...I should check my email. Right? That might have information. Fuck, that is such a great idea. 

Paul Dano. It was motherfucking Paul Dano we interviewed. Or did we interview Lizzo, thinking it was Paul Dano? I fucking  knew Lizzo wasn't a skinny white boy, goddamit. I told Jack, Gal, would you believe it, I told him that I didn't think the little awkward man was our Lizzo goddess, but nooooooooo he said, it's the highhhhhh, he said. Or allegedly said. FUCK. Jack has the tapes from the interview. I'll brace myself for them later tonight. 

Well, don't I feel like a heel. Starting off this letter shaming you for plant dehydration...and now look where we are. Confusing 'O' endings. 

Maybe that's where the Batman game came from. My subconscious was trying to shake me awake with bizarre Batman pranks because it could tell I thought a member of the Batman movie was pop icon Lizzo! What the fuck, man! Someone should really write a book about doing journalism while high. That would be a really amazing, original idea that no one has ever done before. You know what else no one has done? Skinned Pete Davidson to decorate a ferry boat cafeteria. What the fuck is that guy on, right? 

Anyway, it was nice talking to you Zachary Galifianakis. I will sit by the mailbox in anticipation of your response. Let me know how things are going on your end. Any lovers? 

your Godson, 

Trachea