Band and life vent again lol

My friends and I are starting a band. Im going through with it 100%. I need to live out my teen band dream before im not a teenager anymore. Im excited to finally play the guitar again and have a schedule. 


It feels like my life is finally starting. For personal reasons, I felt like i was in a block, stuck with no where to go. I've decided to at least do something while im trapped in what feels like quicksand. Instead of crying and screaming, maybe I'll make some boobs in the sand. Seeing them sink will probably be therapeutic.

My drivers test is next friday. I feel like I'm somewhat ready, compared to a week ago. Who knows what else will change in a week.

Theres a dark cloud looming over something in my life right now. I feel hopeless about it and I can feel the extremely negative thoughts start to overpower my usual positive thoughts. I've also been crying a lot recently over the smallest things because of hormones or chemicals or something in my brain thats changing because i got rid of a bad habit. But I know it'll be over soon. Just got to get through today. then tmro. then the day after. I'm going to force myself to be hopeful.

Lifes hard and im getting sick and tired of it. Every day feels like the same old thing. But i joined the gym yesterday again for the first time in two years. The muscle soreness reminds me of the time spent trying to make something out of whatever I got. I feel kind of nostalgic. I ended my gym journey two years ago being able to bicep curl 45 pounds. Which is like HOLY F*CK. Yesterday when i went, I couldnt even lift 8 pounds. Im not sad or embarrassed about it though, because i remember my first day at the gym like three years ago, where i was lifting 5 pound dumbbells. Its kinda nostalgic, a lot of things from my life at 15 is repeating now, when I'm 18.

Dear god. Being 15 was really f*cking tough. I don't want to be 15 forever, but it seems like that way right now. I feel desperate, like all of my cards are on the table, i'm scrambling for a strategy that will get me out. Even the cards i got hidden in my a** are out. But it'll be ok. I hope. At least. Dear god dear god do not let me be 15 again.


I'm gonna go to the gym soon and then get on a band zoom call. Holy f*ck. I'm excited.


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