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The Let Down

Why does he always disappoint me. I should know better than to expect anything of him now. But I thought maybe today would be different. I dont have a good relationship with my father, big surprise, so original. but it still sucks. Everyone pokes fun at "daddy issues" but no one ever talk about the sad, sickening feelings you get. I just want him to love me. It feels like he doesn't know anything about me, and he doesn't care enough to learn. hes never really played a big role in my life, so why do i care all of a sudden?

it makes my heart ache. i just want him to like me. I see my friends talk to their dads, they love them. I talk to my friends dads and they talk about their children with such love, genuine love. i want that. i want one day to go by where he looks at me and smiles. I want him to be proud of me. I feel like he will never see me with the veil of light, warm love. It hurts. everything with him feels so empty and 2 dimensional. I just want to be loved, fuck, i just want to be liked. is that really so much to ask?

we fight a lot.

he has ruined his relationship with my brother, and now hes completely out of our lives. he doesnt care. he never reaches out, doesnt even talk about him. i wonder if he ever misses my brother, surely he would right? how could you not miss someone you raised? he just let him fade away. it just sucks, it fucking sucks. i want a good dad, but im shit out of luck.

i know it hurts my mom. today she looked at me and said "Im sorry i chose wrong, and now you have a bad father." that fucking broke me. it isnt her fault, but the sentence was true. she feels bad about what happened. i didnt ask to come into the world, that choice was made for me. Sometimes I wonder what it was about him. why did my mom fall in love with him? why did she stay? what changed? why did their love die? for a long time i thought it was because of me, and hell, maybe it is. but im not letting that get to me. its out of my control. it hurts, i wish i got a good dad, its not fucking fair. my mom got a wonderful dad, he loves her so much, they do stuff together, he cares about her more than anything. I want that. i fucking want that. why couldnt i have it? why dont i fucking deserve it?

deep down i just want him to love me, i want him to like me, i wish things were different. but theyre not, so theres no point in crying about it. i hope you all are well, sorry for the rant.

until next time - <3

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