9/28/2021 5:15 AM

If you don't know what "fp" means it stands for "favorite person", which is a term used by people with Borderline Personality Disorder. You can google more information on that, I don't trust myself to be explaining the complexities of personality disorders on my shitty online diary. You know, I don't want to spread misinformation. I don't actually have BPD, at least not officially diagnosed. The last time I was really in therapy, I was seventeen and my therapist diagnosed me with "borderline tendencies" because BPD itself isn't commonly diagnosed in minors. We were working through a DBT workbook (DBT is a type of therapy utilized in the treatment of BPD). So, just so you know, I can't technically say I have BPD, although it is highly likely. I still use the terminology for myself just so I have the words to describe my symptoms.

Disclaimer out of the way, I think my best friend became my fp when I wasn't looking. I thought I hadn't had another fp since I left my last one (long story, related to the previously mentioned Cecil-Kaden debacle that I have yet to fully explain.) I've been having a lot of weird feelings about him lately. He's been working, and is pregnant, and is spending time with his boyfriend, and has less time for me. This was distressing to me, but I couldn't figure out why I cared so much. I thought I might be in love with him or something, but although I'm bad at distinguishing between platonic and romantic feelings, I was pretty sure that wasn't the case.

Finally it hit me. After the Cecil-Kaden debacle (Kaden being the ex-fp, in case you were wondering) I latched onto Alex and we became closer than ever. That incident caused me to lose both my best friend and fiance at the time in one fell swoop, so of course I became closer with my other friends, particularly Alex. I guess I didn't notice that he became my fp because he was the perfect fp.

Him being my fp rarely caused me any emotional distress at all, which is unheard of, as typically the relationship between a borderline (potential borderline in my case) and their fp is extremely volatile and sometimes toxic, on both ends. Alex was great. He always had time to hang out, never said no to hanging out with me, didn't really do anything else or have other friends and therefore was free to spend most of his time with me. I never felt unwanted to I never had those bad emotional reactions. 

There's no real point to this it's just a realization I had recently.