finale: meetup breakup

so. we met up today. I see her around school, but we finally got a chance to talk irl outside of school. funnily enough, one of the things she mentioned was stalking my spacehey last night out of anxious curiosity. So, my darling. If you are reading this... well. you know what I told you. For the rest of you kind lot, this is a followup post to my amazing saga with my girlfriend who broke up, got back together, then cheated on me. Read at your own discretion. 

TW: nsfw actions, sexual assault, sh, a generally terrible time

so. we met up after school. she tried to crack jokes, but I wasnt having it. You see, I forgot to take my meds this morning! today was doomed from the start, but we chose not to reschedule. We wanted to talk it through together today. Well, I was talkative and jokey. not out of comedy or coping, they were shitty jokes. It was that my mouth legit has a hard time slowing down off my meds. and eh, i could tell she was getting nerveous so i tried my damndest to calm down. I was anxious and paranoid and apprehensive all day planning what I was gonna say. We got to a cafe, got a drink, and then stopped by an empty burger joint for some fries and a place to sit. Immediately she looks weary and tired. Its fucking hard. its hard for both of us. Neither of us wanted this. I believe that.

I write a list of all the things we need to talk about on a piece of paper. Honestly, we have a weird dynamic where we act physical/sexual to break ice, but now that has been ruined cuz of this with him and it always will be cuz now she thinks im jealous of him... which I am, but not for those reasons. god its complicated. and yes its late where I am rn and yes Im kinda losing my goddamn mind after one of the longest days of my life but i gotta write this down I just have to. So. we eat fries and talk about trivial things, and then we start. She talks about her anxieties, her worries about hurting me, how she felt guilty, how she didnt break it off with him. How she asked for more time for "something" (not dating but also not stopping being friends? its a thing she always does when she has her back against the wall, causes her to act irrational and... yknow. do things she regrets), and now they are still talking and acting like everything is ok. It reallly isnt to her. She feels guilty, like she hurt me, and the thing is, im not even really mad about her hurting me. im sad that she hurt us. Cuz now she will never see us the same way and will always feel guilty/bad and its so complicated now. and fuck, i still dont fully blame her. I think it was his fault for coercing her and manipulating her and putting her back against the wall. but god. why did it have to be him

she started talking about how they deserved eachother because they were both fucked up in the head and that I was just gonna get brought down. Thats so not true. She slut shames herself for having a sexuality enough, this mistake was a nail in the coffin, especially cuz her mother said the same stuff to her. God. I dont hate her. she doesnt deserve this. She made a mistake, and now she's bailing ship. She really isnt able for a relationship anyways, its just so shitty that this is how it ends. 

and then we talked, and she didnt want me to like touch her. i guess thats fair. she gets a little weird about me touching her. I dont understand why. She is ok with everyone else. Everyone each of our friends practically and sometimes litterally pushes her around and she doesnt give a shit, but i cant hold her hand. I dont understand what is going on half the time with her. Yes, yes i know I want to do more than hold her hand. I want to do so much more, but i am not. I know its so shitty of me and its fucking with my head because my feelings are fucking with myh head and this whole shitty situation is so fucked. I want a hug. 

so we walked and we talked and we talked and walked some more, and then we walked and in private she started crying and talking about how she hates change and how scared and alone she feels. And i undertsnad. today isnt really about me anyways, its about her. i wanted to undersyand her. the thing is, this whole relationship was really about her. About her rebounding, about her tryhing to forget him, about her stopping him, about her sometimes or for wahtever reason choosing me. I dont understand, but shes just a social nbutterfly despite the crippling anxiety and i have no one. she is so dynamic and she has so much going on, when she worries she cares about real shit and when i worry i just hate myself. god. not that she doesnt do that too, she and I just arnt the same.

everything hurts. everything still hurt. She wants to stay friends. she wants to forget, nbut she also blames herself and wants accountability. shes trying, and i do respect that. everything to do with her hurts. I hate that I want her so bad and i hate that im doing a bad job of leaving her. i cant get her out of my head. shes a permanent resident. this is why people have rebound lovers, i know it. She was so afraid too, of being like him for me. Like how he is for her. that she ruined my life. she didnt. she fucked with me., but for some reason i still care about her. Anyways, she should feel more violated than me, this thing is so fucked and shitty. I dont know why she doesnt care more that her ex just ruined her relationship again. maybe its cuz she always chooses him over everyone.

anyways., im tired. im loosing it. ive already lost it. talk to yall later. today fucking sucked, and I cried wehn i got home. I want to cry again honesrtly. See yall. maybe ill make an epilogue once my feelings start to go away. till then, misery is company