I saw Lucas naked for the first time outside my mind!!!!

Anyways before I get into it: I'm going to resume Midnight Sun. I just needed a break because it was so boring and Edward was annoying. But I promise to get back to it at some point in the nearest future. 

Okay so I don't know how many of you know this but I got a new cover artist and she is the freaking best!! I've been expanding it writing comics and I got a Patreon recently. 

So one of the teirs on my patreon is for $10 to see monthly NSFW pictures of my characters.

So one night my cover artist messages me asking a bunch of questions about Lucas...is he shaved down there, how big is it, ect. And ngl it was weird answering those questions. It almost felt invasive. Ik that's dumb but it is what it is.

A few days ago I got a rough sketch of Lucas and omg it was weird. Amazing but very weird. Lucas of course loved it (yes, my characters have taken on a life of their own in my head and they have their own opinions and thoughts. I swear there's the thing that happens with writers.)

So when Lucas saw himself he was all "I am a god!" 

And I'm just like 😳. Seeing him naked outside my mind in a drawing made him feel more real. And feeling how he felt about it. He of course loved it and was super proud. My feelings were different. Of course I'm proud of him. Of course I like the drawing. I think the weirdness comes from his emotions being different than mine. His emotions were a lot bigger and of course there was a lot of pride in himself and a lot of yelling "I am a god!!!" And maniacal laughter.

Another thing I feel like I should mention is that Lucas was with me since high school. Yeah I came up with him while I was in high school with the pedo Nazi teacher (it's a whole thing that's going to need several blog entries to cover). 

When I write I feel like I'm less of a creator and more of an observer or scribe. 

You know when I started writing this I thought I was going to be way more eloquent and way more coherent but apparently my brain is like "yeah we're going to make everything as awkward as possible."

Maybe that's what it felt like... awkward. Seeing Lucas naked outside my mind felt awkward. It's like seeing an old friend streak. I've never seen any of my friends streak but I would imagine if I did I would feel similar. 

I am incredibly proud of the work I have done and proud of the work my cover artist has done. But there is also that feeling of that's my friend. MY friend. MY character. If the book gets big I'm going to have to share him. And that feels weird. 

I wonder if this is how parents feel when their kids really start to grow up. Like you're happy for them but you also feel like you're kind of losing a bit of them. It feels bittersweet. Like he's gonna be out there in the world naked on paper for everyone else to see! It just blows my mind a little. 

I KNOW it's weird. I KNOW it makes no sense. I paid money to my cover artist to draw Lucas naked! I didn't expect to have complicated emotions around all this! 

But like my therapist tells me they're just feelings and I shouldn't judge myself no matter how little sense they make or how dumb they may seem. There's probably deeper issues at play but that's stuff I'm going to have to work out with myself, my characters, my past and my therapist. 

I probably sound really crazy. By the way please don't judge my writing from this blog entry. This was very much a stream of consciousness thing. When I write my books I have them professionally edited and don't just publish your first draft like I'm doing here. 😅

Thanks for reading!!!