Difficulty

I never had a LGBTQ+ Representation as a kid. Homophobia is a normalized and casual "Thing" in albanian/general Balkan/slavic or Immigrant families. Now I am not speaking for everyone, because I know that also many of these Families dont have this issue, but unfortunately most of them do have this issue. Thinking about how I will always be scared to tell my parents, that i have had a crush on the same Gender. Seeing albanian kids being Queer, but never telling their parents, and it could be sometimes too late. As a kid I watched a lot of TV, seeing Models kissing eachother or having female show crushes or any singers on MTV. 

My best friends name is bea(its a fake name btw). Bea and I have been friends since we were 10 and i never had a friend like bea before. We had the same Interests and so it was very easy to get along with her. Btw I had complete other interests compared to my other female friends, so it was hard to not hide it and just pretend the stuff they liked. Even as a kid I was too scared to be alone, so I thought: "Having friends that I dont really like is better than having no friends!" oh boy was I wrong. But bea changed that. We were alone together and when we werent that much talking at first, i wrote in my Diary: "I want bea to be my best Friend. Shes smart, cute, nice, and the best!". I remember, that i couldnt stop thinking about bea and how nice it would be her best friend, but that feeling I had was kinda different. Well when I found my diary recently, I realised how big of a crush I had. (Funfact: were still best friends and she also had a crush on me once when we were thirteen xDD)

I remember my second crush very well. Her name was Emma(fake name). She is a tall girl, who I first met with blue hair and in the public swimming pool lol? Her Brother knew my cousins so we happend to kinda talk together. We were similar but also very different at the same time. She had a Mother who I thought was her granny and her dad, who I remember as a "The music teacher stoner". I wanted to talk to her more. She gave me her number and as soon as I got my new phone, I texted her. It wasnt the same, specially after 2020. We talked sometimes and we also met a second time, but I just felt shitty. I believe she also had a Boyfriend aswell. I dont regret meeting her or talking to me. She kinda changed my Life and I am happy to know her. After our second meeting, we didnt text and I deleted her Number. Very Emotional I know! 

My first actual outing to someone was a friend of mine, who I regret telling it. He did take me seriously at this moment, but sooner than I thought, he thinks that me and my other friends just do this for attention(until we actually have had a partner of the same gender). I am still figuring out, what I like and dont like but I thinks its really disrespectful thinking like "My Friend", specially when we even told our experiences and express the time and pain we had to go through. 

I also had boy crushes aswell, but well I dont like talking about people who happen to be kind of shitty. At the end of the day, I dont regret having any of thoose crushes, but I wish I would have avoided some of them. Its totally okay if you cant decide, what you are or who you love.