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who needs therapy when u have apply tv and popcorn!

and drugs, and friends, and things that make you happy like seeing a pretty item in a store and managing to snag it successfully, or creating a painting in your brain and actually producing something that matches up to your vision!

but today i woke up feeling like i had nothing left to do but die
i call it a bad brain day because i know i have many things to live for
my cat #1 reason to live 
i would set the whole world on fire for my cat 
and he would do the same 
(he told me so) 
#2 my friends! even when i think they hate me that's just the evil fairy in my head casting spells to block my vision
i've had that evil bitch trapped in my head since birth 
i would always tell my mom
it wasn't me! it was the evil fairy who made me do it!! 
after i saw my friend vlad today i felt better! 
he's a cool guy (very pretty like omg he is beautiful) and idk we always just click well! i feel i can be myself around him and i hope he enjoys our friendship as much as i do! 
back to my sad morning tho! i definitely think it's because i had a shitty sleep and my mom yelled at me yet again about whatever she's decided to hate about me today
i love my mom in like a stockholm syndrome kinda way
she's my mom and i know deep down she does all this because it's her fucked up vision of love 
and because i'm cursed with a dissociative brain i get her pain 
but it still hurts ya know
i know she hates who i am and wonders why i can't be her perfect image of a daughter 
idk where i was going with that but eventually it was going to lead up into how i hate that everyone (my friends) gets blinded by her knowing how to behave in front of people!
even my dad and step mom
my friends meet them and go W o W! ✨
these are the people that have messed u up? 
it almost feels like being gaslit by polite people pleasing 
but to be fair i got a weird breed of trauma from my parents 
complete and utter emotional and physical neglect 
which is hard to explain to people 
because ya my parents didn't beat the shit out of me (other than a few hits but let's chalk that up to European boomer parents) 
but they didn't want me
tbh their lives would have been significantly better without me in it 
(their words my interpretation)
so by contract and blood im their child
but sometimes in their eyes i'm like some stranger they found that just leaches money from their wallets and stinks up their house!
i had to raise myself in a tiny room for 10 years with only the internet and sometimes my brother (until he moved out) and then one day i just got plopped into life with no way to navigate 
crazy how that happens 
i do love my parents tho
i shouldn't 
but i do
id say reason #3 to stay alive is weed
god i love that shit
shuts up all the chaos in my head 
i genuinely believe it's the cure to my mental illnesses 
would not have made it through covid without it 
my parents both know about me smoking now 
they both hate it
but they also both know id probably kill myself without it
so they keep their complaints to a minimum 
tonight ended with me watching the new spider-man with my mom
we both love action movies
escaping with superhero's is apparently a genetic daydream
it was nice
even though i'll probably never get an apology for the emotional damage 
i can tell it's her way of at least trying
and it's better than when my parents (they both use this super mega gamer technique) try to throw money at me as an apology 
then get mad at me for not immediately forgiving them at the sight of a new dress or $20 placed at the bottom of my door.
material bitch till i die tho so at least it's something i guess
well that's all the emotional vulnerability you will get out of me today!!
i wish i was able to open up more to people but everytime id cry as a child my parents would either make fun of me or grab my face and squeeze saying 
"shut up or i'll give you something real to cry about!"
so opening up is not my forté 
but i'm trying
maybe one day idk i'll tell my friends something deep about me but like actually in person
as soon as i'm able to trust again
which is hopefully soon
hopefully
n e wayzzzz
i'm babbling on too much 
toodles 4 now~~~




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