i dont know how to title this vent

vent. tw: self harm, sexual assault, nsfw shit, cheating







god. i just learned that my girlfriend cheated on me today. theres no real way to start this vent. do I make a funny quip about it? do i make a joke, "haha imagine losing a relationship like this, couldn't be me!" comedy isnt my coping mechanism. dont really have one. i know im being dramatic. it hurts so fucking much. 

she went and hangs out with her ex. I know she doesnt want to get back with him. he hurt her and she hates how he treats her but still has feelings for him in some fucked up way. I cant get her to stop meeting with him. I feared for her safety, but maybe I shouldve taken it some other way. She just told me that today she gave him a bj when she went over. He asked for sex so she gave him a bj instead. She usually says no. he tries to pressure her to fuck him every damn time. I was always worried that she would eventually say yes, that her memories of better times would outweigh any sway or wish I had currently. god, she lives in the present. She did it without thinking. she felt so fucking guilty afterwards. so she told me. 

im not mad. i wasnt mad. Im just, crushed. I knew we were doing bad. I knew it was gettign harder. I knew she was vulnerable. But we promised to make it till the summer. Hell, tommorow we were going to hang out and snuggle and talk and try to figure it out. We tell eachother we love eachother, whatever the fuck that even means. i still tell her that. I still love her. I dont know how the fuck I do, I've never loved anyone romantically before and we have only dated for a pathetic 2 months. It isnt even young love i dont think. I jsut. she was special to me. She still is. I adore and love and obssess over her, and I try so fucking hard to not be possessive. I respect all of her boundries, Im not possessive, hell, I never freaked out whenever she would like go over to his place. It would be a dealbreaker for most people, but i knew she wouldnt stop it for me. god. i was a fool. I do believe her when she says they havnt done sexual stuff since we got together. God, she was assaulted by him afterwards!! Im not disclosing her name or anythjing, so this is totally private. but she... she still loved him. I dont know why. we both love people too deeply.

she insists she still loved me, although she thinks we should break up. She wants me to be mad at her. To be angry that she betrayed me. I cant. its only sadness. when we agreed the other day, when we were going to break up again but we decided, we promised we would make it to the summer, I had hope again. Hell, this week has been rough. she has hurt my feelings a bit, ive had disconnect from friends and an insane academic struggle. We promised to try and put it all aside to make it work. But i guess she didnt put him aside. 

it really hurts, because the first thing i was was understanding. I assumed, I thought he cooerced her. I still think he did. I think he manipulated her into doing this; she wouldnt want to end it like this. She wouldn't want to break my heart like this. She is empathetic and kind, she does get lusty and does act irrationally but we talked and we wanted to end things on good terms. We wanted to end things as good friends. I still do. I dont think she will. I think she might resent herself too much, i think she might push me away. I think this is the worst way it could end. I think this is terrible. 

im not mad. Im so ssad. betrayed, anxious, confused. but not mad. Not even at him, hes hurting. I do blame him for doing this. for instigating and for coorcing her and for knowing that she couldnt say no forever. For, despite mere days ago saying he changed and taht he wouldnt be her friend because they needed to distance themselves, that he acts like this. That he did this. To her, to me, to us. He fucked my first relationship. I dont think she even wants to date him goddamnit. 

I dont know where to go from here. I need to talk more with her in person. I need to understand this more myself. God. Also, disclaimer: I dont like to talk about my sex life, but i feel like i need to explain this. I'm a virgin, but I've done sexual activities besides actual sex (ie. penetration, oral, anal). i do not shame her for being sexually active, and Im sexually active too in a way. I think that theres definately some moral arguments and nuances to be made rn tho. I dont know or understand all of them. Im just. im so tired. its been a hard few weeks. this makes everything worse. 


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