Getting to know me and myself

As I get older thoughout each year that goes by I have to face the facts I will always have an anxiety disorder there is no cure for it lets face the facts here I have to learn to control it and tell my brain that you do not control me I control you. I leanred that your brain cannot tell whats real or not so you have to teach it to whats real or not. Its like teach a computer how do things so it does do anything wrong but stuff right. Well thats what your brain is a computer basically. I found ways to cope with it by doing arts and crafts such as cross stitching, diamond art and my wood work too. Anxiety is something not everyone understands that I go through I dont want people think I don't want to go to places or do anything because I do just I get overwhemed fighting my anxiety and my mental state as well. I been trying to get motivated but its hard to at times for me because of my anxiety. I live with my boyfriend out on my own so when he is at work I start to get mental breakdowns that turn into OMG moments which can cause me to have anxiety attacks as well. Its very hard for me to go places with big crowds such a stores or peoples parties I feel claustrophobic I feel stuck in a small space like I can't get out and I start to get nauous from that. I been teaching myself ways to fight well try and that will be talking to a therapist which I do every monday around the evening. When I stopped I relasped which everything went down hill I try so hard not to distance myself from my boyfriend or anyone there are times I do not want to be touch it doesnt help me at times dpeneds on me. I do cry when I get anxious I used to have to sit in the shower with water running down on me it was so bad back in that time now not so bad since I found the right stuff to be on for it. I mean I have my highs and lows but who doesn't. I have to accept that I am who I am and should not have to be sorry for it or chnage the way I am. I am prefect for me and thats all that matters to me. Once I get through therapy I should be a lot better start going out more one step at a time and not sit in my bedroom all the time kind of hard not to do that when your stuck in a small trailer which kills me so its hard for me to do things like clean and whatnot. Once I learn to cope with myself I should be fine get up more and go out to places wiht being less anxious all of these will take baby steps all over again and note to self never stop therpay even when you are doing good. I do hate being alone also why I over think things and scare myself at times as well but again Therpay my number one thing to do is get msyelf and health into gear!!!