9/26/2021 4:00 PM

I think I must like Ophelia after all. I have a pretty hard time distinguishing romantic from platonic feelings so it's pretty normal for me to not be sure about someone like this. Also, I don't trust her. Not really. I mean, she hasn't done anything to lose my trust, I just never started trusting her. I don't think I've trusted anyone new since what I like to call the "Cecil-Kaden debacle". I'll get around to explaining that in a later post, it's a long story and I've got to leave in 15 mins to pick up Alex.

Also, Ophelia and I decided we are both switches and will take turns being dominant, so that solves the issue in my previous post about her.

I realized yesterday that I think I'm inherently prone to evil. I don't mind airing some of the terrible things I've done on here, since no one is going to see it but my boyfriend, but some are still too painful to talk about. Some I've never told anyone, never written down anywhere, and will take to the grave. Suffice to say, the worst thing I ever did was pretty bad. Whatever you're thinking I did, it was probably worse. I'm not saying this as a brag. I carry deep seated guilt with me every day. I was young when I did it but still old enough to know better, you know?

My brain loves to repress the terrible things I do, completely without my permission most of the time. That is, until recently. I've been unearthing a lot of deeply repressed memories recently, and it's killing me. Discovering more and more of the things I've done, most of which are toxic at best and at worst...worse than toxic. I talk a lot about wanting to be happy, to get better, to recover. But deep down I know I don't deserve for my life to get better. I don't deserve to recover. I deserve to just kill myself, and even that is too good for me.

If I felt truly guilty about my actions I would just kill myself, or make myself live in misery, to punish myself. I know it's what I deserve, and if I told you what I did, you would think so too. All this depression is probably just karma.

And yet, I still try and get better. Because in the end, I already did the thing. And I have this life, something some people want so badly and don't have. I'm probably going to burn in hell. So I might as well try and be happy, right? I don't know, this is turning into a ramble because I'm in a rush and my thoughts are always so scattered.

I want to be a better person, I don't want to hurt people I promise, but it's hard. I don't think I'm predisposed to goodness. I have little inherent moral compass, I usually figure out that my actions were wrong after I've already done the thing. I try and figure out which things are right or wrong but god knows there's many differing opinions on that.

I've been thinking back to everything that's happened to me and convinced myself it was all really my fault. I know that might not be true, but to me it doesn't really matter if it's true. I genuinely can't tell when things are my fault, so I should just blame myself for everything to punish myself for the things I've done. That sounds extreme but if you knew what I did, you'd be advocating for worse.

I do truly believe even the worst people can get better though. Not that they can be necessarily redeemed from their actions, but I do believe that at any point they can stop and choose to become better from now on, choose to change, and that's what I want to do. 

Anyway that's about all I can do for today. I want to revisit this later though. Maybe when I'm high so my thoughts come out better.