Thoughts of a Depressed Assistant Stage Manager

Let me set the stage; I'm the assistant stage manager (asm). Yesterday I closed a show that I was the head stage manager for, last minute they needed me to step in to preform. No biggie, I have a performance background, I can handle it. I loved it, I loved being on stage again after being behind the scenes. Now I'm starting my new show. I'll be posting updates as we go. But I've noticed a change in me

What happening to me?

I want to be on stage again, I want the adrenaline of preforming pumping through my blood. I'm sitting behind the tech table and I feel so out of place. Why? This is what I wanted. I'm a theatre production major btw, this is the life I've chosen for myself, so why do I feel this pull in the other direction? Performance isn't right for me, I'm not trained enough, my voice isn't good enough, my dancing needs so much work. Performance isn't stable enough, work isn't guaranteed, it's a shitty idea. But why does it sound so lovely? I'm sitting at the tech table as they sing, following along in my script and humming the notes to myself. Why won't my director notice my want to be up with the actors. Should I ask her? No, never, the answer will be no, I know this. 

I feel sick, do I want this that bad? Shouldn't I go after the things I want? Or is that stepping out of line? I thought I knew what I wanted, but this is throwing a wrench into everything. I'm not sure if anyone is even reading this, but I'll act like someone is. I'll let you guys know how things go. Wish me luck -<3