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I guess Im just gonna jump right into this. Ive never sent out a public blog post, but i guess its not that public since no one follows me on here. This feels so safe. Like you would stay up till 3am writing on here with music blasting in your headphones. It makes me long for a time I barely remember. I dont want this to be a collection of me being sad all the time, i want it to be a journal. my most authentic self. im not holding anything back. i guess that would be good for me, just an unfiltered version of myself. i feel like i have split myself into fragments, only being able to share certain bits with certain people. and crafting myself into this perfect person for all of my friends to like me.
Wow.
i know i said that i wasnt going to get super sad, and that was kind of sad. but actually i think its more real than anything. we all do it, we just dont share that we do it. im so sick of people acting like we dont all have the same thoughts and feelings as everyone else. it all feels so fake, we all alter ourselves, but when i try to explain that to some people, they look at me like im crazy. maybe we dont all do it, who knows, but i do and thats okay. i like myself, well,, not completely, but i like myself a lot more then i did a few years ago, so i consider that an accomplishment. i have a feeling this is going to turn into a major oversharing site for me, but whatever.
im leaving for class in about 30 mins, id rather not go but it beats staying inside all day. im someone who really likes to go out and do stuff. i rather do something not fun than stay inside all day, but thats just me. after class i think im coming back home to get ready for a friends birthday party. I dont really want to go to that either. shes one of those friends who kinda makes me feel bad about myself. its the little one off comments about my looks or personality that just make me feel like shit, but alas, its birthday party time! at least ill get a free dinner out of it, and who knows, maybe ill have fun. I need to stop being such a damn pessimist. everyone says that im a very positive person, but in my opinion, ive never met someone as pessimistic as me, i just dont really say it outloud. why make everyone else feel like shit.
I looked at my phone for a sec and forgot what i wanted to say next. Oh well, I should go get ready. See ya I guess.
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CEV.
I'M NOT SURE IF YOU WANT INTERACTION, BUT I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME COMMENTING. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR FREE DINNER. MAKE THE MOST OF WHAT STUFF KEEPS YA BUSY, I GET HOW YOU FEEL. I'M ALSO THE KIND OF PERSON THAT WOULD RATHER GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING THAN STAY IN DOING NOTHING. IN REGARDS TO ONE PART OF YOUR BLOG, I, TOO, HAVE ALWAYS SEEN IT AS STRANGE WHEN PEOPLE ACT LIKE THEY DON'T PUT UP SOME KIND OF FRONT WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE. IT'S JUST ADAPTING TO THE ENVIRONMENT. BUT I FIND IT TIRING HAVING TO DO IT ALL THE TIME. CALL ME NEURODIVERGENT (I AM), BUT IT'S MORE THAN JUST MASKING. IT'S THE EXPECTATION THAT YOU HAVE TO BE SOMEONE ELSE OR PRESENT YOURSELF DIFFERENTLY IN ORDER TO FIT IN IN SELECT ENVIRONMENTS. THIS EXPECTATION THAT YOUR PERSONALITY NEEDS TO BE SUITABLE FOR WHATEVER SITUATION YOU'RE IN. I HOPE YOU FIND SOME WAY TO SETTLE THAT AND FIND COMFORT IN JUST BEING YOURSELF NATURALLY, THOUGH. I WISH THE BEST FOR YOU. ^^
Thanks so much for the comment! it means a lot ^-^
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