(CW VENT/DEREALIZATION) I just feel stupid

idk wtf im doing, i dont have a job anymore, it feels like my relationship is crumbling to the floor everytime i talk to my boyfriend, i dont have friends irl so no support, my parents dont give a shit about me, sometimes i feel like something is wrong with my brain and i will never understand what it is, no one here cares about mental illnesess and treat you like a creep just by having an anxiety disorder. I dont understand a lot of stuff, or get upset about it really quick, then go back to normal and be happy, then i want to vent and everything goes to shit again. I dont feel real, i feel like i want to die, but im also terrified of death, im just stuck in a shit loop of my own self misery and i dont know how tf to get out of it on my own. Im scared of being alone i dont want people to hate me