im learning something new

and, despite having bpd and being extremely sensitive and attached to my partners, i always keep somewhat of a distance to my friends, no matter how close i seem to be with them on the outside and with the things i say. 

last year i got close with a group of friends, the closest i believed to have been to anyone before. we were like any cool, funky cartoon you could imagine, it brought comfort to be around each other and we always knew to save up any free time possible to meet each other.

the group faded out after a while, mostly because of school, but four of us "remained" solid, me being one of them.

we consisted of my boyfriend and two female friends. 

my boyfriend and i started getting stressed by everyday life at school while facing multiple mental issues - we were genuinely too depressed to keep attending school regularly. we lost track of each other a little, but always in a good spirit, as in "i'm happy you're here after all", but genuine. 

what i didn't know - and didn't expect - was that my friends had apparently gotten tired of dealing with me, and set me up for a lie. my boyfriend got mad at one friend, which led her to call him crying and telling him terrible things about me with excuses to why she HAD to lie, instead of just communicating what problem she had with me. 

at that time, i was sitting right next to this conversation. no thing she said was in any way directed at my boyfriend, which made me upset. why was she talking to him about it then? why not directly come to me? and why did she expect my boyfriend not to tell me all this?

the most terrifying part of this (and the part that makes me feel so incredibly anxious about this whole thing) is that my boyfriend doesn't agree with me on the last question. she found out that he'd "told" me about their conversation, because i talked to the second friend about it. which he is upset about, i now ruined their friendship and feel absolutely disgusting about it. i have mixed feelings, but not in a way that makes me unsure about both sides, it's that i understand both sides so much it won't let me decide how to feel.

okay i decided to not finish this because i talked to my boyfriend about it. i think i feel better now? it might also just be because i'm high while writing all of this.