9/24/2021 6:59 AM

So, I woke up around 1PM I think. I knew I had planned to take a shift at this family owned diner I was dishes at sometimes, so I decided to make something to eat before work. I knew I had to leave by 4:30PM at the latest, and I also needed a shower. The night before I had been watching emmymadeinjapan and watched her make this korean cheesey garlic bread. It looked delicious, so I decided to try my hand on it. This didn't go well. I followed the recipe but the dough was very sticky so I kept adding more flour.

Eventually it got to what seemed to be the right consistency but it was still very sticky and I was having a meltdown over it sticking to my fingers and the counter as I was kneading it. Eventually it came together though, but I was irritated.

Then as I was putting the flour away I dropped the canister it was in, spilling several cups worth of flour across the kitchen floor. At this point, I had a total meltdown screaming and crying. I often meltdown at minor inconveniences, I won't even try to speculate what part of my psychology that comes from.

By then, I was stressed. The dough had taken much longer than expected, and I only had about at hour and a half before I had to leave. I'm one of those people who needs copious amounts of time to get ready, I simply can't be rushed. I always plan in advance to give myself extra time since things always seem to go wrong for me when I'm in a hurry, but apparently today I didn't give myself quite enough.

Finally I pulled it together and decided to take a really quick bare minimum shower. I finished up the bread and took it to go. I ate it in the car on the drive there. It actually turned out exactly how it was supposed to, but I didn't like it all that much.

I got to work and clocked in playing Dishwasher Simulator for four and a half hours. I was expecting to be there much longer but we got done early so they cut me loose. I made $50 which I immediately handed over to my plug, who gave me a g of wax and 3 gs of bud. I only wanted two gs of bud but that was okay, I'd take it and owe her the $5 next time. 

Then, once I had left, she texted me that I owed her $15 next time because the dabs were actually $35/g, not $25 like every other dab I've bought from her was. It was a minor annoyance but it irritated me. I hate owing people money.

Then I picked up Ophelia, who I think is my girlfriend now. I've been thinking about telling her I just want to be friends and then somehow I ended up here. It's not that I don't like her, I'm just on the fence. But I've decided it can't hurt to see how it goes. I trust her to still be a friend even if we aren't romantically involved. Also I am very depressed right now and not feeling particularly jazzed about life in general, so I'm wondering if my romantic feelings will return as the tide of my misery goes out.

I've been thinking a lot about going to a psych ward. I don't really want to, god knows the terrible things I've heard about those places. But for every horror story is someone saying they would never have lived if they hadn't gone. I'm going to keep waiting and see, keep trying different things. I keep convincing myself that if I just tried harder I could get better.

I just need help. Something has to change because I can't live like this. Let's be honest, if I go inpatient they can put me on meds within days. Put me in daily therapy instantly. And when I get out, they can set me up with resources and therapy, the exact thing I've been struggling so hard with.

The fact is although I'm not going to kill myself (probably) I'm a non functioning person. I feel no joy. I can't hold a job. I can't go to college. I can't do anything. 

Anyway, I brought Ophelia to my house where we got high and then watched Troy (starring Brad Pitt) which is one of my favorite movies. After, I took her home, came home, tried and failed to sleep for several hours, and then eventually got up to make a bagel and then sat down to write this. That was most of the major events of the day anyway.

Also, I'm supposed to pick up Alex today some time, but he hasn't told me when yet. I say fuck it, I'm not setting an alarm. Call me when you're ready.

I know no one is reading this because it's my most boring blog post by far, but I like to pretend someone could be. Pretending there's some stranger keeping up with my posts, invested in my life, is what keeps me writing them. I like the idea of someone reading these posts with the safety of knowing few if any people actually will. And if they do, they won't know who I am.

I'm using this blog as a journal because I can't keep up with an actual journal, but the fantasy of needing to update my blog for my "readers" makes it easier. Like I'm doing it for someone else and not myself. That's my superpower. If I need to do something for myself, I can't. But, if it's for somebody else, I magically get the ability to do the thing. Just one of the ways I'm learning how to hack my brain.

That's another thing. Although things aren't good for me right now, at the same time, some things are getting better, which is strange. I'm better at hacking my brain into doing things. I don't feel less miserable, but it's easier to make myself do things. A little easier, mind you.

I keep those little prepackaged pasted tooth brushes in my car to trick myself into brushing my teeth. I trick myself into doing chores by getting high and then doing the chores so "sober me" can have a clean room; tricking myself into thinking I'm doing it for someone else. Is this all it will ever be? Feeling like shit but tricking yourself into getting things done because you have to?

I hope not. Some people say that it never really gets better, only easier. If that's true I might as well just kill myself now. I don't want easier, I want better. It doesn't have to be perfect, but being okay most of the time would be nice.

I have more thoughts but they are too scattered to continue. I can only stay focused for so long.