all bottled up.

i trully struggle to put thoughts into words. but as of right now my thoughts are stuck. stuck from my past, in my head, & my brain is unable to conjure up new thoughts. just those old ones that used to hurt so much. who am i kidding, they hurt more now because i am still pathetically stcuk to them. my whole aches at the thought of that one person who managed to make me miss him for an eternity. him who made himself part of me then detached himself from me. im tired of repeating the same thing. tired of being tired of feeling tired. just tired, of every single thing. im so desperate & pathetically alone. so empty & at the same time so filled with the sad memories of my life. i was reading journal entries from 2017 & 2018 & not much has changed. still sad about that one friend that took the biggest chunk of me when they left my life. still having to deal with the emptiness from that one of countless other times this has happened to me. im not complete by myself but i have been nothing but by myself & its surprising that it hasnt killed me. by it i mean loneliness. something beautifully sad is that some bird species when one the birds die, the other dies of loneliness. not sure if the dead birds are better off than i am currently. an endless amount of alone with no one to quench the harsh cold that i feel from the void thats been inside me. the void that savagely grows larger & larger by the second, eating me up but still somehow keeping me alive. this pain is unbearable & reading those entries has opened the door in my mind that had been locked up. i find it ironic how all my life i have forgotten most of the good & bad things in my life because of all the trauma ive gone through. but now, having nothing new to think about , all my brain can do is open up more of these doors that havent been opened in a while. my heart hurts at all the conversations of me bonding & connecting with people that didnt want to coonect to me. people that im pretty sure havent acknowledged my existence in years. but again here i am, pathetically aching to feel what having someone feels like. even if it was fake. i wish reaching out was an option. i wish having new & improved people was a reality. but my reality sucks & ill do nothing but go back to those memories that hurt me more than they do me any good. im drowning & so close to that final breathe before my consciousness takes over & i drift lower into the ocean as my mind plays the .25 seconds of good that my life had. my hand is still somehow reaching out, still a silly hope of someone yanking me up one day. my arm grows more & more tired & i dont know how many days it can stay up.