rant/vent

 song for my current mood: resurrections by lena raine

I feel kinda like a failure? I fucked up my friendships. I didnt even blow them up, I just see them falling apart at the seams. Im not funny or witty, I'm a desperate lonely mess who interacts cynically and bitterly, not at all, or in a deadpan dry manner. I cant be funny, I just hurt people's feelings or act "cringe". I dont even know why the words sting; they never used to. But now, they hurt more. I know its partially my depression rearing up, but i dont really care it hurts. It hurts.

I feel distanced from those around me. I feel like I'm trying to talk to them, trying to notice them, and they either dont notice me, or choose not to. Probably the former, I think people are sick and tired of me. Hell, im sick and tired of myself! I let myself down, I dont meet my goals and expectations, and even when people are lenient with me, I fuck up. I fall flat on my face and dont even have the energy to cry. 

I dont have drug copes, or violent self-destruction, or anything like that. I'm not even sardonic and jackassy anymore. I'm just dull, dead and rotten. I barely exist. I barely live enough to act out the motions of a silhouette of a life I was supposed to enjoy. I'm a shell; no, I'm a stain. A shadow of myself, my body long gone. 

I'm starting to loose the motivation to do stuff. I got it back, a taste of sunshine, and then it all started to fall away. That stung, not more than not feeling it, but going back to the numbing pain hurts so bad. Im physically numb, pain is begining to dip out again. I'm loosing the motivation to try hard in school, and getting work done is getting harder and harder as the menial tasks pile up. I feel my brain consuming itself as a sardonic ouroboros. Food barely tastes like anything anymore. Its all becoming gray again. The world is turning darker. More monotone.