staying friends

So, it turns out that we talked. We talked a lot, and learned a lot about the other's position. And I'll admit, i still like her a lot. I still have this huge ass crush on her. But I think I'm happy to stay friends. And honestly? she's kinda a touchy feely person, but especially with me. I think that she wants to date, that she wants to be with people, but doesnt feel ready. I dont understand that, but I think that just means she doesnt want our dynamic to change but doesnt want it to be called dating. She wants to be cute and cuddly with me and maybe a lil more sometimes and then have eachother buy food and still be hyperaffectionate. its fun for her, but I learned that she still had feelings for me, and that they were real. 

Both of us have intense anxiety and depression that affected us in different ways leaving this relationship. I felt like all the emotions and closeness I felt to her was fake, and she felt like all the nice things I said to her and appreciation that I felt might have been fake too. Talking about it, we relized that we still both have huge crushes on eachother. Its shitty cuz we didnt break up cuz the sparks wernt there, we broke up because she is so hurt and not completely over him and also is burdened feeling stuck to one person and I wasnt helping. This, this works for her, and it works enough for me. I know we arnt dating, but hey, I think its ok. 

Its kinda like dating with a few inches removed? I think, I wonder, I selfishly wonder if she feels better, if she would want me again, as heavily romantically as I wanted her, and still do. I think she does a bit, but not as much as me. Well, we want eachother in a lot of ways //// but I want her a lil more romantically and she doesnt know how she wants me the most, definately some romantically as well. I dont know, I dont know if that means this is right and we can make this work eventually, and honestly I liked settling for friends with benifits so i dont know why its still not enough for me, why im so greedy for more.

I want to help her recover, to help her move on from him. And while she moves on, I want to move on as well. And maybe, maybe she moves on faster than me, and maybe she wants me. Or maybe, maybe she wants someone new, and then I have to find someone new too, or I find someone who wants me the same way I wanted her earlier and the move on. Any of this is ok honestly. Im just glad I'm not sad anymore, and I'm happy to be her awkward friend. Knowing she does care about me rn, thats enough. Cuz I do think she does. I know its not necessarily the best to care this much about how she feels, but atleast I'm honest that I do and I'm trying to change and learn to love others. I dunno. this feels like a step in the right direction. 

so yeah. We are hanging out, being a lil flirty, doing some promiscuous lil things for eachother occasionally, and just being good friends mostly. Its nice to be a close friend again. I like where we are, I feel like we lost some friendship in those last couple weeks. And hell, I like being platonically affectionate too. Im starting to think this breakup was a good thing, definately nessisary, but maybe can be good too.