9/21/2021 2:05 PM

I literally just woke up and opened my laptop to get on here. My hands were full so I dropped my screen part of my laptop a couple times trying to open it, it made a sound. My grandmother, asleep on the couch at 2 PM, called me a "fucking bitch" and told me to get out of her house.

For accidentally closing my laptop too hard a few times. She accused me of doing it intentionally and then told me I smell and need to take a shower. She's right, I probably do smell. Instead of seeing that as a clear sign of depression and mental illness though, she's just mean to me about it.

I like to write down incidents of my grandmother's toxic behavior soon after they happen or even record them happening now. Otherwise, she gaslights me later into thinking it didn't happen or it was my fault. I have very poor memory too, so sometimes I gaslight myself and tell myself it couldn't have been as bad as it was.

I shouldn't even be complaining because the worst thing she really does is be mean to me...I don't know why I just can't suck it up and take it. But it still hurts and makes me cry. She effectively ruined my day in five minutes, and then went to her bedroom and went back to sleep like it was nothing.

I'm going to try and continue keeping records of what she does and then show it to someone because I want to know if it's bad or not. I should also add that I am a terrible child. Like, most of the things she says about me are true. I'm lazy, I don't clean up my messes, sometimes I'm mean for no reason or sometimes I'm mean back to her when she's mean to me.

But I don't know. I still feel like she shouldn't say those things. I mean she's the adult. I'm nineteen but I'm still her child, and she's literally always treated me this way, even when I was an actual child. I keep telling myself I'll get better, I'll remember to clean my messes and try not to snap at her and then she will have less reason to yell at me.

But I never do. I never get any better. And she doesn't see it as the warning sign of mental illness that it is, she just sees me as her lazy disappointment of a child. I want to cry. I just want her to love me unconditionally like a parent should. I know it will never happen. I've made my peace with that but it hurts still.

She also says I don't respect her or her house and she's right. I don't respect her, why should I? She's never given me an ounce of respect a day in her life. When it's time to clean something or take on a responsibility, I'm an adult who should be able to handle it. But if I want respect, privacy, boundaries, then I'm just a child living in their house and they have total control over me.

I'm only an adult when it's convenient for them.

I can't move out. I can't hold a job. I'm disabled mentally and physically, but I look okay on the outside so no one cares. I was going to move in with my friend Alex who has a really good job. He was my best friend  of six years; we have matching tattoos. He knows I'm in a rough spot right now and always said he would get a place and let me hang there once he got a good job.

Well recently he got a good job working for Amazon. He makes like $21 an hour. He started looking at places but then he (Alex is trans by the way, I should mention that now) got pregnant with the guy he's been seeing for like four months. We've been talking about moving in together for at least a year, but the other day he texted me that he was moving in with this guy (who's name is Mitchell).

He didn't even give a second thought to what that means for me. I didn't say anything about it. I'm not stupid, I know he has a kid on the way and needs to do what's best for him right now. Mitchell also has a good job at Amazon and plans on being in the kid's life so it's the logical choice.

But he was my chance to escape. I know I can never make it out on my own. Even if I had a job I'd never be able to work enough to make ends meet. I tried to get on disability and got denied, although Ophelia says she knows a lawyer who can get me approved. I guess that's the next step, but we all know disability isn't enough to live on. I'm fucked.

I'm stranded here in rural Ohio, left to rot in my parents house. Just another bad thing to happen to me, just another good thing snatched away. Not to mention Alex and Mitchell are moving over an hour away from me. And having a kid. So I guess I can kiss my six year long friendship with Alex goodbye.

Sure maybe it won't end, but everyone knows how it is after a child. You can't just be a person anymore, you're also mom or dad, and that always comes first. Mitchell and the child are Alex's priorities now, not me. Our friendship might not be over, but it'll never be the same. What's the point if it will never be the same?

I guess once he moves away and has the kid he will get busy and then I won't have to slowly cut him off, it'll probably just happen naturally. He's getting everything he wanted. A good job, a place of his own, and a family. And as for me, everything just keeps getting worse. It's selfish. I'm bitter. I'm a selfish and bitter person. But I don't want to talk to him as much anymore.

Watching him get everything he wants while I'm still miserable is just too much. I love him. I hope he does well and goes far. But we're done.

Anyways. Yeah. I don't know what I'll do anymore to be honest. Every day I think about checking myself into a hospital. Fuck the hospital bill to be honest, I just won't pay them? Maybe? I don't know what else to do. The walls are closing in around me, my options are slimmer every day. Surely I can get better, it can't just be this forever. I don't want to keep going. I'm tired. I don't want to live like this.

I just keep posting these blog posts to the internet, screaming for help. No one sees or cares. No one will help me.