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Category: Life

staying calm in public

i went shopping today with my boyfriend and a friend. my mental state is getting worse again. today proved that. 
i always had issues with not being listened to. back in the day, i was often ignored, especially in groups. which made me feel unwanted. the effect of that experiences is that i easily get triggered, even if the other person not listening was accidental and i know that.

we were in a few different stores. it happened 1 or 2 times that they didn't notice me saying something. immediatly the thoughts started getting into my head that they didn't want me there and it wouldn't make a difference if i wasn't. i tried not giving into them because i know from experience and therapy that it's probably not true. a little bit later it happened again. i tried 2 times to show them something but they were too involved in their own conversation to notice.
i didn't repeat it. i just went away and didn't want to talk to them anymore.
everytime they said something to me after that i didn't answer or just responded with one word. my boyfriend quickly noticed that something was wrong. while my friend was on the other side of the store, he asked what was going on. i told him that i'm getting ignored by them. he said that wasn't true. i said that if that was the case they would've talked to me. the way he reacted to that made me think that he was angry. the tears started fighting their way up to my eyes. i wanted to go home. 
we went to starbucks after that. while we were walking it got worse. i felt like i was about to be having a panic attack. i searched for my acupuncture ring in my bag which i use as a skill when i have the urge to self harm. it didn't help that much. i was trying not to cry. because that would be embaarrraaassing lmao.

i somehow managed not to cry. my boyfriend ordered my drink for me. while we were waiting my friend asked if everything was okay. seems like she noticed too. i just shook my head in response because if i said a word the tears would've come out. she just hugged me. that felt good. it showed me that she cares and my thoughts were a lie. i went outside to breath air and try to calm down. my social anxiety kicked in because there were people everywhere. i felt like if i would start crying, they would all stare at me and judge me. that would be hell. i was so scared of getting any attention. somehow i felt better after a while. the rest of the day was okay.

i still feel guilty for feeling bad. my head is fucking killing me. i wish i wasn't such a crybaby. 
even though i don't want to admit it: my therapist would say that i managed that very well. i skilled and it got better. ugh, i still hate myself

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