just went through a breakup. I really liked her and still do, and I was the one to instigate breaking up, although it was ultimately up to her in a way? We both had our hands in it. I was new to dating, she had dated once before. Her old partner, ex bf, was abusive and cruel. He fucked with her head a lot. We were friends and before we chose to start dating, we tried to be open. She said she wanted something light, I said I would do my best to keep it light. I was the one who asked her out anyways, although she had been flirting with me in a different way so I knew she was interested.
So. It was going well at first. And then it started to go less well. He was still in her life, still there, trying to get back together. She kept being worn down by his constant begging for attention, and when he turned to hurting himself to try and control her, it broke her inside. She was miserable for weeks, anxious, thinking about him. She both missed the good and hated the bad, and it didn't get in between us i dont think but the change in feelings made it harder.
I felt a little like I had to break up. I didnt want to. I knew it was hard, hard for her, hard for both of us, and we were unhappy. I knew that it was starting to feel worse, not better, being there for eachother. I knew that I was holding her back, or I felt like it atleast. So I talked to her. And she said something similar. And then I reached where I am rn. we were going to put it off for a few more days. But i ended up talking and we cut it now. I felt like we were spiraling anyways. I want closure. I think I assume the worst, and so does she sometiems. And i act too much on impulse, but I guess its cuz I see the unsure gaze she looks at me with and I unwittingly end things by assuming they will end.
I miss it. I miss her. I'm out of state rn, and get back in a few days. I think its going to be hard to see her. I want to stay friends. I really still like her, and I wanted to put in the effort to make the relationship still work. But i talked to her, and she didnt. She said she didnt want either of us to have to change, that it wasnt going to work. And I couldve convinced her to try for a few weeks. I know she listens to me. But i just. I broke a little too. I struggle with anxiety and depression and ADHD, and some of my insecurities about this relationship came from anxiety, but part of my having a relationship was to escape some of the harder parts of my dysthymia, my apathy. Cuz i knew, even if it ended terribly, I would feel something, and the good would be ok, and the something would be enough. And she isnt a spiteful person and I trusted it, and I hoped it wouldnt come to that. I guess that was silly of me.
So. we are still friends. We cried, we talked, we want to stay friends. It hurts me more than I thought it would. I feel like I did this to myself. I know I didnt, but I kinda asked her out, knowing it might not work. "Better to love and loose than to never love at all" or something. it still hurts. I dont know what to do exactly. I wish that theres a timeline where she feels better, where in a few months or years that she feels ready for a relationship thats heavier, that what we have doesnt hurt so badly and that I wont have to carry it as much. Because I adore her. I really do. And she liked me too, which was nice. Its only been 2 months, but I've known her longer. It feels pathetic that I feel so hurt by something so short, but eh. It hurts me nonetheless.
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