just some thoughts

i'm finding unlearning the toxic coping mechanisms really hard especially since i have a very addictive personality and for all the ppl like me i think this could be relatable.

i feel like i was forced to grow up and support myself since a young age and so i never found that 'motherly' or 'fatherly' figure who'd always support or love me so, since recently, i had always tried to find that person in my life, whether i was looking for it in a friend, a teacher, etc...

and by this i don't mean to say that my parents are bad people because i don't necessarily feel like that about them, i just think that they were bad parents sometimes.

but i don't blame them. i know that had to carry their own bag of trauma so i know they tried their best and i love them for it and also because they gave me some good qualities.

i may be protective and obsessive over the people i love but it's because i'm afraid to lose them (even tho this ends up being the reason why they're driven away from me) and that is part of why i'm trying to unlearn toxic behaviours and healing from my traumas.

i am done self sabotaging, overthinking, giving in to my anxiety and self isolating.

i am done mirroring people because i am afraid that if i show my real self they'll leave me and i am done prioritising everyone else over myself.

i am starting to love myself, love my body and accept that i am not meant to be perfect, or loved by everyone or liked by everyone and it is certainly not my job to satisfy them or anyone for that matter.

i am starting to love the woman i am becoming and i want to know myself more, i want to find new hobbies, be my truest self, feel every emotion without suppressing it and going numb even if it feels like dying.

the more i let myself feel the more i'll feel free, good, sad, happy.

life is worth living and up until recently (and maybe partly i still am) i lived in survival mode.

i had to support myself from everything going on since i was very young but now i no longer condone living like this.

i don't deserve it, my 8 yo self didn't deserve it and my future self doesn't either.

we deserve love, kindness, support and surrounding ourselves with things that truly make us feel glad that we are living.

i am tired of staying still and not doing anything to make my life how i want it and how i am envisioning it.

i want to change my mindset, my living condition and my future no matter how scary that is or sounds and no matter how many people will try to stop me from achieving my goals.

i am done being "realistic" (and by this i mean thinking pessimistically or negatively).

i want to live life in the fullest way possible and in every second instance.