me

i feel so emotional today for some reason. like idk why but for some reason life has just felt so fast and i feel like i havent been able to actually experience anything truly. like in terms of school, band, and just life in general i dont remember how i feel or anything and i feel like ive just accepted that some parts of life are meaningless almost? like ive accepted the fact that as of now the only thing i can do is just be on autopilot for the things that dont matter because in the end its not going to matter... but i dont parrticularly want this mindset  its more like ive just adopted this way of life?? like stressing out for tests and homework like ive just given up trying to even be mad or stressed about it because i have to do it either way and it just doesnt matter. like everybody has to take texts and its gonna continue to be stressful so just go through it without thinking so that u avoid caring about it so damn much is kinda how my mind is working rn

and also i literally have no idea how my mental health is. like i cant tell if im genuinely doing okay or if things are just happening so fast that my mind can't properly process them and so i think im okay but im not? which is maybe why i feel so emotional today bc today uis literally the first time ive been able to get a break from school and extracurriculers like in for fucking ever. but i also might just be in denial that its okay to be okay?  because ive been in bad mental hjealth for so long that maybe now that im like doing alright and getting better i think that its not normal and not good? idk

also feeling really really emotional abt my dad right now like.. idk admitting the fact that i have daddy issues and that he wasnt there in my life at all just makes me so angry .. like why didnt u raise me?? why didnt u teach me anything about life or how to be a good person?? he didnt teach me anything except that being financiallty stable means you should be happy and satisfied which is so far from the truth.. and now that i have someone in my life that has treated me with so much care even though we barely even know eachother its like.. baffling to me how gone he was. and how uncaring and unloving he was. and making it up with money doesnt even help either i hate it i hate it i hate it so much. and now im obsessed with c bc hes so caring and im fucking emo that he isnt coming to coach us on rehearsals because the season is over ugh im so FUCKING EMO UGHGUHGUGHUGHGGUGHUGH I WANT TO SEE C SO BAD I NEED TO WUJAHJDJJKADSJKASK IM LKTIERALLY SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH HIM ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY I NEED TO SEE HIM I NEED HIM IN MY LIFE BRO 

(also c=my coach that i see as my fatehr figure LMFAOOASMAO)

anyways yeah i also feel so weird about my looks nowadays i dunno like i feel so pretty sometimes but i know im not pretty prety but also im still pretty??? like idek hopw to say it but like i feel like maybe ive just accepted that im average??? but i dont know i just dont know and sometimes i feel so insecure abt myself and the way i look but also im not cripplingly insecure? like i still am very confident in myself but im just like... like idk im very confident but in my mind i know that i might not look the best rn but thats okay but also sometimes my mind will be so self depricating and b like.. 'omg im so ugly ugh' but the thing is I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I AM UGLY BC IM SO MID IN PHOTOS BUT PRETTY IRL?idfk.. i need to be able to see myself the way others see me rn ugh

whatever that was my rant of the day i think ill probbaly spend the rest of my day playing valorant? lol whatever #byegyaru