ranting

im tired. im exhausted. my back hurts, i ache, my stomach is sick. Im alone in public away from everyone and everything I want to be around. I yearn for attention but push people away. i am not content with what I have, but I’m also afraid and fragile to change. Im the instigator even tho i only start things that hurt me in the end. Im not even self destructive innately, i dont know why im making myself fall apart. I had something great going. Am I being dramatic? Why does it feel like I understand whats going on? Am I in denial?

I offered my gf to break up with me. Not that I want to break up with her, but I feel like she isnt happy with me and I dont think shed ever tell me and I was sad and miserable (still am) for no reason so I said sometiing and I prodded my void and it of course did what all voids do and prodded back. My self-destructive behavior did what all self-destructive behavior does and blew up in my face, and her anxiety and consideration hit me hard. I didnt *not* mean it when I asked her, i desperately hoped I was wrong. I shouldve waited to see if she wouldve asked me. I havnt actually broken up with her, we are still dating. But it feels tenuous? prolly doesnt help that I’m out of town and I dont get to see my friends and Im loosing my fucking mind over here. 

im lonely and self loathing. I always forget how much I dislike myself until im thrust into the metaphorical mirror. Im falling, was falling fast, loosing what I made as the threds fell apart to the careful tapestry I thought I wove forever. I’d hoped id woven forever. This isnt just my relationship, Im talking about my newfound happiness. i worked hard to build it up, and it began to unravel as shit hit the fan. And I buckled, I faltered, and now im no longer being held up. I’m falling. Im sitting on a thread of insecurities instead pf confidence, because the ropes I once painstakingly laid out are cobwebs now.

I did this to myself? i feel like such a loser having this conversation rn. I have it *good*. everyone around me is going through shit, either at a mental hospital, using drugs, suffering from mental illness or hurtjng themselves. I have a good and strong family, i have support, I have clarity, I have experience, i have recourses, i have money. and Im still so fucking sad, even tho ive put jn the work. Im such a fuckup. I cant even make this right. If anyone else had my conditions, theyd have solved their problems a million times over. I cant. I dont know why. Am I not smart enough? not strong enough? not good enough?