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One of my lovers is this girl I'm seeing but not technically dating. Her name is Ophelia. She recently came out to me as trans but that's not really essential to the story.
Shit, this was supposed to be short, but I guess there's a little back story required.
Okay so despite being a kinky person and loving it, I have trauma around kink and BDSM. Like many people my age I was exposed to extreme sexual kink content from a very young age on the internet. I've made peace with it mostly, I know I can't go back in time and fix it, so it's fine I guess.
For most of my life I was strictly very submissive. All my trauma with kink happened when I was the submissive one. Recently, about a year ago, I started identifying as a sadistic switch, because that's more accurate for me now. If I'm being honest the signs were always there, I just chose to ignore them.
The point is, submitting now is hard for me. I crave to be submissive so deeply, in a way I don't for my dominant side. It's not only physically pleasurable but also emotionally cathartic for me. My desire to be owned and controlled by someone else runs so deep in me. I truly love submission. The power exchange between a dom and a sub is a beautiful, touching thing to me.
I love submitting but it's hard now because of the trauma, so mostly I am dominant with my partners, since I'm a switch. I also attract submissive partners without meaning to, so it just so happens that I am always being placed in the dominant role.
But that's not ideal for me. I enjoy being dominant, especially with heavy masochists as I am a sadist, but I don't crave it like I crave to submit. I need that release that submission gives me. When I go without it for a long time my mental health actually suffers.
But, like I said, it's hard. I can only really submit to people I trust, and even then it's very hard for me to reach that blissful state of sub space that I need so badly.
That's the back story, which brings me back to Ophelia. At first, she was the dominant one, but recently confessed to me that it was all an act, and she's deeply submissive, and she only wants to be submissive to me from now on and never be dominant to me again.
I told her it was okay, and I guess it is. I still want to keep seeing her. I don't want to lose her. But I am sad. I think I cried about it. I was so happy to finally find someone to be dominant for me and now that's gone. Just another small happiness that was taken from me.
This also brings up another issue that weighs on me. I'm so sick of being shoved into the dominant role. Not just during sex, but the entirety of every relationship I've been in. I've been the caregiver, the breadwinner, the strong one. I am always the strong one. The one who holds the other one when they cry. They lie their head on my chest, never the other way around.
I'm just not built for it. I want to be weak. I want to be comforted. I want someone to be strong for me. But nobody ever is, not my friends, not my family. Nobody.
The worst part is when I open up to them about feeling this way and then they either pull away from me or do their best to fulfill that role for me...for awhile. Maybe a few weeks and then it's right back to normal. Or they realize they aren't happy in that role and just leave altogether.
I don't know why it's so much to ask. I liked Ophelia because she kind of treated me like the "girl" in the relationship. I'm transmasc, but somehow I still enjoyed that. I know it's a bit heteronormative but I was never happier then when she took me on a date, bought me dinner. She planned the whole thing instead of just asking me what I wanted to do.
I don't know why I can't find someone to treat me that way, even part of the time! I'm a switch for fucks sake, it only has to be like 50% of the time. And don't get me started on the kinky sex. Being dominant is fun and enjoyable, but it's never quite as good as when I'm submissive.
I am afraid the reason I keep getting placed in this role is partially sinister. I'm mixed race, 50% black and 50% white, and although I am lightskinned it's very easy to tell I'm black by looking at me. I'm also transmasc, like I said, but I'm feminine and don't pass.
I'm afraid all my partners, (which have been mostly white because I live in rural Ohio) have been internally mammy-ifying me. I hope that's not the case, but the truth is, most people see me as a black woman. I have the experiences of a black woman.
I really hope that's not the case but I can't shake that feeling and it makes me sick. Anyways, I have to cut this here. Coincidentally, I'm about to go visit Ophelia.
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Nick
Take what I say into consideration, but also, I am a stranger on the internet so listening to me is NOT required-
You should tell her how you feel man. If you're forced into a dominant role all the time, you're just gonna be unhappy. And sure "But its just sex, I'll be happy outside of that", and that may be, but sex is important to some people and if it is important to you, you gotta be honest.
The situation is a bit tricky, especially since she's said she only wants to be submissive, but, maybe you two could come up with a sort of compromise? Like, doms don't always have to be rough and tough and vksfbdjfbd, she could be a soft dom where you still do a lot of the work, but at the end of the day, you're gettin your back blown out.
It could be a little system- let's say you see her 5 times a week. Maybe three of those times you dom, and she doms the other two times.
Overall, I hope you figure out what will make you happy, dude, and go for it.
Thanks for taking the time to try and help me bro :) idk what I'll do yet. I am polyam tho so I'm thinking I just need to find someone who IS a Dom. But it's hard
plus for some reason when I meet doms they somehow turn into subs for me lmfao
by 𝔞𝔫𝔦𝔪𝔞𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔠𝔊𝔢𝔦𝔰𝔥𝔞; ; Report