night

the only way i can descirde how im feeling right now is the song stan by eminem and sex tape by deftones, idk its kinda a weird but comforting feeling. im so tired but i cant sleep. i miss my boyfriend. idk im feeling so weird. soo my mom and this dude named craig started dating, then had my sister, then they broke up and my mom married my dad, then they had me. they started fighting alot, then got a divorce. my dad moved out and i kept living with my mom and sister. then my mom got hooked on pills and things got messy, i was SA by a friend of hers. after a while CPS was called and i moved in with my grandparents, i still saw my mom every week, then every few weeks, then once every month, then never. i kept living with my grandparents, she called alot. sometimes i didnt answer, i wish i did. then july 31 2018 my dad comes over and is crying. i could tell something was wrong by the way everyone looked at me. he asked if i could come talk to him, so i shut myself in the bathroom and locked the door, i only came out when i heard him start crying begging. i opened the door and he hugged me, he said these exact words, "something happened, your mom died". i can still remeber him saying it, its like those words are engraved in my brain. i miss her alot and havent seen my sister since i moved in with my grandparents. i still live with them. im in thearapy now, but it dosent help, i dont have the heart to tell them so i keep quiet. im ok with being quiet tho. its comforting. im ok with having only a few friends, im ok with it. i swear. i just noticed how dramatically the tone of this changed, it went from me all manic ready to do something crazy, to now me compleatly relaxed. im listining to love songs on the radio by mojave 3.  i wasnt planning on sharing so much on this but ive noticed that i feel significantly better. thanks ig. ok goodnight<3