maybe i am doomed

i can't breathe. my mind and my body are drowning in an ocean of misery no one can ever save me from. i don't know why i can't rise above this murky pool of water... or why i don't choose to swim above it either. maybe i am meant to drown in this doom, my conscience always fucking tells me. maybe i was never meant to hold on the that brim of light shining through the surface. maybe i was never meant saving at all, and maybe i never deserved everything the damned world could offer. how could i be so empty and purposelessly living and stubbornly indulge in the sea of tears that kept dragging me down? why is it that i can't muster up a single bout of energy to even try and breathe above the water? why do i keep coming back here every fucking time, plunging in self hatred and sorrow and anchor myself at the bottom? i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i can't think. i can't breathe.