daily blogs #5

i had a dream this morning that consisted of me & other people walking around looking for a place to dine in. in the dream i was holding hands with someone. what gives this dream importance is the person i was holding hands with. we went to high school together & he quickly became the best friend i never had but always wanted. we were super close, we would talk all day everyday, we would even stay up on school nights talking about anything & everything. looking back i can truly say i loved him with every part of me. then the falling apart started, & here we are, basically back to strangers. if i could go back & try to avoid what we are i would but instead, what im stuck with is thoughts of him & dreams with him. the thing about us (in my head atleast) is that even something as simple as holding hands in a dream feels so important to me. im not someone who cares much about anything or even feel much about anything, but everything that has to do with him feels so different. we havent spoken in years but im still thinking of him, still dreaming of him. 

i get dream resonance which makes me tap into the feelings i felt while in the dream & if i go back to this morning in my head, i can feel the warmth & genuine care in which we held hands. i can feel how happy & safe & how okay i felt with just walking beside him & our hands locked together.

it almost makes me sick because nothing even close has happened to me in real life & although not deserving of it, i long for it so much its almost painful. im so touch starved its almost painful. whats really painful though is that a friendship like ours felt like once in a lifetime , one of a kind, never experience it again type of friendship. & its been gone for so long but here i still am.

being alone has been the worst thing i CONTINUE  to experience & a worse side effect is looking back at that one sliver in time where i didnt feel alone at all & comparing it to now & to how impossible the thought of feeling like that again sounds.