rant post or something.

tw: badmouthing people, sh, talk of depression

 

Look. I love my friends. I like em, they are worth hanging out with. But they are flawwed individuals just like me. and sometimes, i feel like I’m expected to be perfect. yeah, just cuz i dont spit my flaws besides satirical arrogance in your faces doesnt mean that I dont have feelinfs and mistakes too. yes. I’m a perfectionist. yes, I care too damn much. yes, I worry about others feelings too much but dont care about my own, while simultaneously not giving a shit about anyone’s opinions even myself. sometimes people forget, just because im feeling a lil bit happier, that im still fucking depressed??? yeah, its a bit better than its been in YEARS, but im still like. sensitive too? I think some people envy and loath my progress, and thats so fucking selfish. you know, i had to fight tooth and nail for where I am, it wasnt handed on a silver platter?

 Its been a fucking long 6 years ok. Ive had Depression since I was 9, diagnosed since I was 11. Im 15 now. thats a 4 year diagnosis, and 6 years of symptoms. I speculate its dysthymia or Persistant Depressive Disorder, even tho on record it is “unspecified depression” officially. Yes, thats a diagnosis, its just that my doctor wasnt sure at the time what type it was. Heres some little “fun” facts from someone who’s done some research, but if I misinform, make sure to do your own. The big D depression as I like to call it, the hallmark of depression, that big scary thing that people think is the only form of depression is called Major Depressive Disorder. It is only one type of clinical depression, but there are many more people dont talk about as much. Post-Pardom depression can happen for women and occasionally men after having a kid, and is really common. Bi-polar is another famous one, but I dont know it all too well so look it up. my point here is, depression is a spectrum. Just because I’m not presenting or actively harming myself doesn’t mean im not fucking depressed. My depression never really presented as intense feelings of sadness, instead an intense apathy. I felt nothing, no feelings, or at best mediocre muted ones. Later, presently, i know the symptoms actually spread to other kinds of feelings. My body was actually numb, my sense of taste and smell dulled, although I didnt know it at the time. I was fucking miserable. Honestly? i thought at self harm, but didnt see the appeal. I wouldn’t feel it too much anyways, and death was just more of the same. I settled for merely living, following the path of mediocrity. 

Im not really here to give my sob story tho. Argh, i got distracted again. Maybe ill do a post on my full experience with depression some other time. my point is, I have issues too. ADHD, Anxiety, Depression. I have my flaws, my mistakes. im not a perfect person. Just cuz I hold myself like I dont fuck up ever doesnt mean thats true. my flaws are readily apperant to me. i loath what i am, and thats what fuels me to become something new. 

my friends arnt perfect either. they fuck up! one of them is awkward to the point of commonly saying socially inept shit just because he cant read signals. one of them is so anxious and self entitled that she cant fucking take a lick of criticism or disinterest without thinking shes a failure and falling into extreme sadness. one of them is hurting himself, afraid for his life. I dont resent them for these flaws. I empathize with them, dont pity them, treat them like real people. but its so… exhausting ti be around people who hurt you, but are so vulnerable that they get hurt easily when you dint even try. if i talked to some of em the way they talk tj me, id lose their friendship. i put up with a lot. they are nice, interesting, and worth it, but its just. ugh. a pain in my fucking ass. they act sometimes like Im just this fucking agressor judging them for problems i could never understand. hah, no. Ive been struggling with my own shit. Im NEVER judging you, Im constantly trying to understand and be a good person. Yeah I mess up, but saying that I dont try stings. I wish that people could be as flexible with me as I am with them, cuz sometimes I feel like im walking on eggshells. and thats not ok