Boy Crazy

Oh Jacob. My five year old, milk and cracker high induced kindergarten crush. He went on my bus, witnessed me cry about 100 times, saw my mom cut a piece of gum out of my hair, and I even kissed my friends window hoping he would receive it. When my mom asked my sisters and i about it, in front of our family friend, obviously I was silent. My mom would never approve of my crush on a boy. 

I can't remember when or why it started but I was always shy around boys. I moved from the city to a town when I was in first grade, and made some friends on my street. One was a girl a few years older than me, and her brother who is my age, and another boy on my atreet who was a few years older than me and a little sister who is a lot younger. I was fine around these boys. I didn't know it at the time but they were like my brothers. 

So fast forward to school, got elementary crushes here and there and like all the time, and was a little bit obsessive. I would write about them in my journal and draw out my crushes but in an implicit way (like as a superhero or very generically). It was what you think crushes at 12 would be like. 

At a certain point my mom started to tell me "keep away from boys" everyday before I went on the school bus. When she'd say it id roll my eyes and agree, whatever, and never really took it to heart. But as you grow older you learn that when you hear enough things, you start to yknow, listen. 

When I was around 10 it was my first introduction to social media (Instagram to be specific), I think. I got my first i pod when I was in grade 3 (I begged my dad to buy them cuz my friends kept talking about them). Obviously I didn't know any better, and neither did my parents, but if I were my parents, I probably would've only introduced an iPod or iPhone at like 12 or 13. 

Slightly off topic but my connection is that I had a lot of run in with weirdos online. There was this one app I used to go on, it was kinda like animal crossing but with humans and it's a public server. One guy "nameless" asked me to write out his name on my chest and send him a pic of it. Thank god I knew better, being 11, and ignored the message and move on. But it gave me a good sense of predators on the internet, and made me realize these are real people, real BOYS that act like this outside of  off brand games. 

At 11 years old I resented being a woman like crazy, hated everything about the female gender, and cursed any higher power for making me a vulnerable shell. It was a mix of hormones, internalized misogyny, and my first kind of "run in" with gender identity. It was everything at once for an 11 year old. 

I started to gain more confidence in myself by the time I was in grade 8 and was fully all good by high school. LETS GO BACK FOR A SECOND. Boys never ever had a crush on me. I was the one in my friend group to go around telling boys that my friends liked them and going back, I was the messenger. And I didn't really care, I thought I was too young to date anyways. This was like grade 3. 

In April of grade four I moved to another town because my house was being renovated. I went to another school until the end of the year and met a boy (gonna give him an alias cuz I was still in contact w him for a good while) Drake. So I had a really good friend at this school that I told everything to, including my crush on Drake. I remember I posted a meme on my Instagram of belle or something and it was a joke to do with the beast, I don't remember. But Drake commented under my post, I heard from your bff you like me, and I replied yesss I do (or the 10 year old equivalent) and he said I like you too :) 

And then I never spoke to him again. I think that happened after school ended and I moved back to my other school for grade 5. And not until like two years ago, I found out he's friends with a girl who went to my high scjool. What a small world. Anyways. 

That was one of the only times a boy ever liked me in elementary school. The second and last time a boy liked me in elementary school was some guy who randomly added me on Snapchat one day, at the end of the grade 8 year. I messaged him like who r u and we talked and he said he liked me. I didn't like him back because I only knew him from photos, and online, and he did go to a school only a few min away from me and his best friend went to my school (so it wasn't like he was a complete stranger) but I didn't know much about him. Except that he was terrible at grammar. So I didn't like him for mainly that reason. I remember one of my friends telling me he was planning on bringing me flowers and o freaked out. I went along with it but said my parents don't allow dating so if he showed up with flowers my dad would kill him lol. And that was that. It sort of fizzled out and he transferred to my high scjool after some begging I did lol. We stayed friends for a bit after but as for romance, it didn't even start.

So now we're at high scjool and i realized no matter how brief I try to be, I always end up rambling on and on and on. Suffer! 

I had a lot of crushes in high school, and only like four were actual crushes. The rest were jus to fill the time or for entertainment. I also went to a lot of parties, had a lot of ummmm hi mom and dad ummm hookups unmmml I hope they never find this and or know what that is. But those never manifested into crushes or anything. I don't remember any of their names anyways. 

TW abuse 

In grade 9 I met a boy on our orientation trip. He ended up being my most serious and latest/second relationship,( starting from may grade 11 to last sept) but after years of on and off ghosting, (on both parts but mainly his, I only did it when I felt like he was about to ghost me) and the fact that he's just a big baby, it's over and taught me the most about relationships. Also in grade nine I had a friend in toronto. We never dated but definitely had something going. I really liked him but never felt like he liked me. He reminded me a lot of the orientation guy, but ended up being every kind of abusive. I got out of that friendship/whatever ship, thank god, but only after a series of events left both me and him in a bad place, and he said for his own good he had to be alone. Haven't spoken to him in two years, good riddance!

Tw end 

I was also introduced to another guy in high scjool from one of my friends in advanced placement. He was sweet, liked all the things I did, especially the greatest showman soundtrack which made me like him in the first place, and easy to talk to. We very obviously liked each other for two years, but when it went nowhere he got a girlfriend, and I got my first actual boyfriend. 

TW mental illness 

My first boyfriend was mature, smart, kind, and really funny. He was actually perfect with his shit together and all. That relationship ended near the end of grade 11, just before my second boyfriend, and I broke up with him for so many reasons. We never fought or anything, but I was severely mentally ill during the start of the pandemic, and tried to break up with him multiple times during panic attacks. He would tell me to talk to him about it the next day when I calmed down, and I did, and stayed with him until we ultimately broke up. Okay here goes the reasons: 1. He literally told me he had a crush on another girl. Which is totally fine and normal to like other people. But there was a period I didn't speak to him for two weeks because of an episode, and he tried to make me jealous by saying that girl helped him through the two weeks. Good for u, bye weirdo! 2. On multiple occasions, the day after I would try to break up with him, he would say he "got really sad because he wasn't able to fuck me" ... need i say more. I can't believe I didn't leave him earlier lol. 3. I liked another guy. Things don't work out, and I'm not bitter with this boyfriend, but I hope he sorts his shit out and learns how to properly treat women lol.  

Tw end 

So i break up with my most recent boyfriend in September, move out to a new place in November, and have a shit ton of guys over. I was crazy but had a lot of fun. I got to experience something fresh, out of a long and taxing relationship. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, I'm over my boy phase, back in my room in my family home, and more so focused on myself and school rather than anything else. This is the first time I can say I have been the most mentally stable for a while, although I'm not doing too great. Definitely at a plateau, which is wayyy better than whatever I was at last year. 

Preface over! Now we can finally talk about the boy crazy inside of me. 

I'm in my first year of university, single, alone most of the time, and mainly just confused. Of course I'm looking to make new friends, learn about new people, and maybe cop a shawty. But there are no boys in all two of my in person classes that peak my interest, so I find myself bored a lot. I didn't realize before how much of my thoughts are literally just daydreaming about boys. 

I have a friend who is very anti men (in the not actual sexist way). Constantly telling the world we don't need boys, focus on yourself, all men are the same, whatever other stuff she spews out. And I love her for it. She has a strong mindset when it comes to the external world- and I can appreciate her "not really anti but anti men in terms of a relationship" ramblings. Being boy crazy (I admit!!!), having a friend to tell you that boys aren't everything is pretty refreshing. And recently I've been trying to get out of my boy mindset. 

After being in so many shit relationships, I feel like I know better now, and I want to prove it, or just be in a relationship. I miss all the cutesy stuff from it. I miss having someone constantly bother me to see me. I miss kissing. I miss being close to someone. 

Of course I won't be finding what I want anytime soon, the universe has proven that to me. It's like every guy I currently talk to just doesn't .. care.. LOL. and no biggie, because there have been guys who try to talk to me and I just don't care. So it's genuinely whatever, objectively, but in a moment of desperation to be literally IDK touched, held, loved, it was embarrassing as fuck. 

But here I am, weeks later from my last failed attempt at talking to a guy, and fully giving up on it.  not in the way that I'm gonna ignore every man in the universe, but more like I'll just let whatever happen, happen. Cuz if I try to force it any more than I already have, I'll just end up flat on my face; red, embarrassed, and tbh .. hurt. 

So how do you fix boy crazy?!?

Here's a short list:

1. Get your shit together 

It's hard but you kinda just have to. Do stuff that you like (for me that's art), clean your room, fucjing reorganize your closet or some shit.

2. Revisit parts of you

This is more of my existential crisis trying to find out how to Stop but I found that reading old books, watching old YouTube videos, and listening to music from when I was younger helps re establish a sense of identity  that was pre boy crazy 

3. Establish the start of Boy Crazy 

I think I started becoming boy crazy when I got to high scjool. All that boy attention to practically no boy attention is like a punch to the guy to my ego. 

4. Contemplate the end of boy crazy

You have to actively make yourself not look at boys at every chance you get. And everytime you think of one, you kinda have to metaphorically juggle your brain to think of something else. 

5. Stop being Boy Crazy!!!

To recap: clean your room girl, listen to old music, analyze the start of boy brainwash, plan the end of boy brainwash, and you'll be all good. 

Now has this been proven to work?!?

Tbh.. maybe? I've been trying it out. Still in the early stages of boy crazy to trying to stop being boy crazy. But I will update with a proper scientific analysis and lab report when the time comes.