daily blogs #1

trying to write to feel better but i know it wont work. i dont feel much & never have, ever since i was a kid. i always lived life with a numb feel to it all, maybe cuz life sucks but also because its how i was wired. the feelings of fun, excitement, thrill & even fear are some what foreign to me. the only true emotion i know i feel are those associated with loneliness. despair & emptiness are always present because ive always been alone. family has never been there neither have "friends" my only abandonment issue is not letting myself get too attached to someone because i know theyll eventually leave, although i think not opening up much is part of the problem. but im tired of thinking im the problem. im tired of being alone & of having the feelings that eat away at me because of this loneliness. i want to be able to feel more than just emptiness, i know theres more for me than this emptiness. but where is it? how do i get to it & how long will it take to get here? although im only 22, a lifetime of this has been too much. im so tired. of having no one.