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Being in a totally new environment has me doing the whole personal reflection in my head constantly thing. so here i am, completely alone, in this huge building at university. i would say im a pretty social person but i feel like i dont fit into most things. like i cant be a 2000s myspace emo because idk im just not entirely that alhtough cool aesthetic, but cant be an art hoe or baddie or whatever else just cuz im .. not that.. lol//...loolol??? like i can pin down an exact aesthetic or something for my friends but i feel like everything chosen for me would just feel wrong. regardless of my weird cringey teenage existential crisis, i only actually know like five people here. one who ive known since high school, a friend from my dance class, a kinda friend/classmate from my cceramics class, another kinda friend/classmate from my ceramics class except hes in fourth year, and some 30 year old. all of which i do not hang out with except for the friend from high school and very occassionally my friend from dance class. and a few times with the 30 year old but thats stopped. anyways.
up to like grade 6 i didnt really have any friends because i was generally secluded. i liked being alone, drawing, reading, whatever. i was just Like That when i was 11. thats when the friendship with one of my closest friends to this day kicked off, and from there we got into our first friend group. it had a name and everything, and it was fun at first, but once you go through the works of a friend group, you realize essentially its a clique. and whoever else wants to join, just cant, unless theyre already part of the friend group. it was a weird gatekeepy grade 8 thing. whatever. i grew out of that by the time i was in high school because i had multiple friend groups in grade 9. like, a shit ton. and subfriend groups to friend groups. mainly because in grade 9 and 10 everyone sorta just hangs out with each other. i wouild hang out with my friend group, then a friend from that group would invite a friend from another group, who would invite more friends. so it was like 10 people hanging out at a time, and i was only really close to two or three of them. but i enjoyed it like crazy. and the boy attention i was getting at the end of grade nine did wonders to my insecure, barely 14 little ego. that friend group sort of fizzled out through grade ten when i had another "major" kinda friend group. the end of that grade 9 friend group followed when i broke up with my first boyfriend at the beginning of the pandemic. then i sorta just stuck to the second friend group. they were more of my kind of people anyways. and at the time it was great, fun, reckless, chaotic, raging, and every damn thing at once.
obviously being part of no specific friend group now, i am the happiest ive been in terms of socially. minus the whole being a loner loser stupid hooker at school part. nothing is kept under wraps anymore. if theres a problem, theres a problem. theres no whispering or brainwashing. and through these experiences ive also learned how naive i was. so many people would literally vocalize their bad intentions to me and i did... nothing... about it....? im just glad im away from those people. you would never think you'd let someone treat you in such a disrespectful way, and through the guise of long term friendships you excuse their behaviour. and then u become rotten because of it. sigh sigh. i wish i never gave those people the power to hurt me so much???!?!? but what a breath of fresh air it is to be away from them. oh my god, and my ex bf. LOL. is this really a teenage girl blog entry without the mention of a hated ex??!?!?!?!? yes actually. a teenage girl blog entry is whatever you want it to be.
anyways, graciousness for being away from stress, drama, and chaos aside, i feel pretty full. i have amazing friends who i know only want the best for me, and even though theyre going through all the same teenage stupid shit i am, theyre there for me as i am for them. thank god, genuinely, that i am able to say that. that is the first time ever i have been able to. i can only say that because of the experiences of all my friend groups, but especially my toronto friend group and latest. (and the one with everyone who feels like a brother to me. that one is like a huge hug. those people are all amazing. <3)
tw: toxic relationships, violence, abuse
but anyways i did want to mention exes for a second. obviously i am grateful for every experience because it teaches me how to actually properly function. so thank you to my two point five ex boyfriends for teaching me how i should NOT be treated. the half one was so violent and abusive. the second one literally only cared about having sex with me (HE TOLD ME TWICE, AFTER I TRIED BREAKING UP W HIM CUZ OF A PANIC ATTACK, THAT HE WAS SAD ONLY CUZ HE "WASNT ABLE TO F**K ME. u were weird as shit bro, and i hate how everyone thinks youre so kind and cool. even though you were, until you showed me how ...weird.. u actually are. and then the last ex bf. i have said so much about u already and u just dont deserve any more of my energy. if u have something to say, say it w ur chest bro!
its easy to think about the good times and momentarily miss exes or ex friends. but time and time and time and time and TIMEEE again i have learned my lesson to just. move. on.
pce!!
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iamperoxide
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