i wish

sometimes i wish i were the aesthetic type of sick, the kind you see in the movies. like, yeah maybe she's depressed and alone, but she's hot as fuck and has a cool sense of style and smokes cigarettes with the kind of mystic that gets her noticed. and she always meets someone and falls in love and everything gets better. maybe not everything has changed and things still suck to a degree but she views her life differently and it makes those situations seem easier and better. but that's not reality. 

i'm the quiet, nerdy girl who talks too much about the wrong things, dresses like a wannabe "it" girl and smokes like it's going out of fashion. i've fallen in love, fucked it up, been fucked over by love. and everything still feels the same. i don't have some new perspective. life just sucks. in fact, i think it's worse now that i've felt love. because at least love is something, right? when you're so in love, things seem brighter. but i'm sick. i don't get to accept love without consequences. so here i sit. god or whoever is up there gave me just a taste of something so good that i senselessly spend my days trying to chase something similar. 

i met a guy last night while i was on the phone. he was drunk and let me bum a cigarette off him, so i decided to spend my night keeping him company while he tried to sober up. he's seven years older than me and has the mentality of a respectful frat boy that will do anything for some form of entertainment. but he was nice enough, didn't seem like he was going to kidnap me and our fucked up childhoods were pretty damn similar, so i spent the next six hours just chatting and walking around with him. 

he told me about how he doesn't want to settle down yet, that he wants to keep doing exciting things with his life and he was worried that getting married and having kids would mean that he wouldn't be able to do exciting things anymore. meanwhile, i expressed that i feel very opposite. i want nothing more than to be with someone i love, settle down and have a family of my own. and while i don't want to have kids right now or anything like that, i wish that i could skip five years into the future where that is all more of a possibility for me. and while i'm talking about all this, he said something that i've been thinking about all day. 

"why wouldn't you want to live out your younger years? you are so young. you can do anything you want to do. literally anything. why are you trying to move so fast through your life?" 

and i think the simple answer that i've concluded is that i hate my life. i'm just ready to get to the warm, fuzzy part of things. i want to have a family, my own kids. and, while i hate to admit this, i want a distraction. 

i've always been adept at masking my own issues by taking care of others. that's what i've been doing my entire life. and now, being alone, i have no one to take care of. i have a close friend that i make myself always available for, but even she runs out of issues for me to deal with after long. coming from growing up in a large family, i'm so used to having many people for me to engage with so i was never truly alone. so i want that family, i want the marriage and the kids and the plethora of distractions to work through. 

but i mean this dude also said that i have a nerdy, secret bad bitch disposition with a little bit of toxic mixed in. and that i seem like i would be a slut in the sheets. so maybe i shouldn't take anything he says to heart. 

still, i wish i were the cute, quirky type of mentally ill. but as much as i could try to be, it wouldn't make anything better. the movies are for made for the entertainment of the rich, and films with the aesthetically suicidal female leads are made by men with toxic ideas of what it's like to be a woman. but that's a blog entry for another time