Report Blog Entry
ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE TRANSIENT....
Well don't call me by my full name, all this is temporary
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing
Well don't talk about it, write it down, but don't ask for help
I can't be honest with even myself
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing
Well don't talk about it, write it down, but don't ask for help
I can't be honest with even myself
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
I am reaching another low again. I've been isolating myself. I cant look at myself in the mirror anymore. All of what I have done feels arbitrary. I run in circles, and I try to gain some ground. You cant really do that though when you aren't running straight-line.
I had all these dreams. I had goals and ambition when I was younger. I had so many friends. Now I dont trust anyone enough to form long lasting connections anymore. The only person I let in was my partner...they know everything. And I know they wont ever intentionally hurt me. But everything is so fucked right now.
Every time I try to reach out to someone I want to get to know more, I become too excited. I spill too much, I want more people in my life with the same interests and values. I am always afraid I come off too strong, too obsessive. Then I end up just giving up. I was an annoying child...I cant imagine that much has changed since then.
I always wish I was someone else. I cant be comfortable in the idea of just being me. I gotta mask. I gotta mirror so I fit in better. Would anyone actually like the real me? Am I too annoying, loud and immature? Must I always keep my composure and monitor everything I say and do at all times? I wish being normal just came naturally to me.
I go between highs and lows. Even on medication...but at least the pills kinda help. I need therapy bad. Trish was right...I cant keep functioning without having any help. Especially where I work, the things I see...the things that happened over the past year. I hate that I'm just a fucking glorified janitor. I miss the dreams of pursing illustration.
My biggest fear is that one day I will inevitably talk to Andy Biersack for more than a 5 minute meet and greet, and I REALLY want to get to know him more cause he's got incredibly interesting moral and philosophical principles that shine through in his concept works...stuff that I think about a lot. I've talked to Lonny for over a year and he definitely has talked about me and Trish to Andy cause Andy recognized us without EVER talking to us before at the meet and greet. But I ALSO have severe social anxiety. What will I do when that day comes? Will I say something really stupid and put him off?
When I think about that stuff I always reflect on my current friendships. Trish...my friend Moon, Lonny...that's about it. I barely talk to anyone. I often take days just to respond to messages from them. What is wrong with me? I fucking hate what I have become.
Comments
Displaying 0 of 0 comments ( View all | Add Comment )