you shouldn't read this.

tw//

im not diagnosed with anything. but i know im mentally ill. and i know i have destructive and harmful thoughts. i think im agnostic but i wish there wasn't a heaven and hell. i wish i can die with no consequences. im so tired of being alive but im terrified of dying because of what might happen after. im constantly in so much pain and i have absolutely no help. i always feel the urge to drink and hurt myself. and the worst part is i can't even cry. i constantly get a lump in my throat but no tears come out. i feel like everyone i meet or know is either gonna end up hating me or already does. and i feel like there's nothing in store for me in life. i don't think ill ever truly be happy. i don't know what to do or how long ill keep this up. i hate myself and i have nothing to be proud of myself for. i wish being alive wasn't so painful all the time. i don't know how i ended up like this, i just want it to go away. i never would've thought that whatever was wrong with me would get this bad. i feel like people think im fun to hang out with and then they realize how much of a wreck i am and regret ever talking to me. my life would be so much easier if people could just admit they hate me, it's all so overwhelming. i wish i was a normal stable person. if you're a person that read this far, im so sorry.