There's No Place Like Home- In The Worst Way Possible 1

But I guess maybe sometimes it is. I want to learn to be nicer, kinder.

More able to control how I feel and or at the very least how I act despite the way I feel.

It's almost like everyone else in the world has a hold of everything. Everyone has the insane ability to put themselves first most of the time and so have the capacity to give kindness when they can.

I have a habit of using up my patience and my niceness way too early, like spending half your paycheck on your payday- only to remember that you have two weeks ahead of you where you will receive nothing.

I feel like I am not built for the way that the world is. It gets really bad like this during very specific times in my life- and I'm hoping I'm just as right as I always am. It's funny- the way I have a tendency to hold on so tightly to the hope that things get better even though they always do.

I rarely remember the pain I'm in in this state. It's gross to read back on these when I'm okay.

So I guess this is a message to the better and happier me- and I ask of you to please write back. I need to know what you feel because I can't imagine being okay. At times like this it feels like I've never been okay.

I want you to understand how hopeless I feel. I want you to understand how to prepare for it next time- because it feels like it gets worse each time it happens.

I will stand by the fact that being back at home broke something in my brain, but I also don't think I've been okay since the end of 2019. That year was simultaneously the best and worst time of my life, and I figured it couldn't get much worse than that dumpsterfire of a semester when my grandmother passed away on the same day I was hired/scheduled for my internship. That was a different level of hell.

But then 2020 and onwards have been far worse. It's gotten to the point of awful that it all feels numb. An awful sort of numb.

You know how when you set your entire body on fire, you'll stop feeling the pain in about an hour? I figure that's what this feels like. Still burnt, still an awful situation, but the nerves have all deteriorated.