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My Mind is Vomiting 2



 sometimes dying feels more appealing than living

  because i am not scared of dying as much as i am afraid to live

   is the world too cruel or am i too naive

     in my 20 years of life,
      i never thought breathing would be this hard and painful

       oh lord, protect me from the things I intend to do



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Laedee

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I know this feeling way to well and i pray and hope someone wouldn't continue to suffer or feel this way ever. I'm not entirely sure if this is a poem or a relayed mirror of your thoughts at bay that creeps during the mornings and nights but I can definitely tell you from my experience of being suicidal in 2018 (I'm not anymore) and I'm aware that I don't know you and I don't know if you're suicidal but what I can tell you is that living in this world is 100% absolutely hard. Let me tell you about the CONS of life. Sometimes you just want to be shipped legit somewhere else or do something really bad and impulsive to numb it all to stop the thoughts from constantly attacking you. and when hope shimmers some sort of light it gets taken away from you and you just ask yourself why am I even trying I didn't ask for any of this nor anything of the events that keep occurring in my life... but then there's death the CONS of death the not so little underestimating ominously appealing topic. That now that is something we humans think is less scary to face through. Let me tell you death is something we should not carelessly just say towards anyone and are our lives. it's real and it's not what anyone ever pictures. ever. it will be more agony than what we feel as were living. because it will be constant remorse of pain over and over again. Death may seem like a light in your dark ocean but death has made so many of us think it's better to join it and that's something to be really scared of instead because one day you would want to eat your favourite dish pizza on the same toppings you put every time you order and once you take a bite it's relieving to count on. but you won't have that if you're dead. The times your family has boggled you with family events you think you're too old enough to do now will be a sheer memory you wish to relive in. death doesn't create happiness for us it wants us to think that but it doesn't. where I'm going with this you say? well, I'm saying once you get through mud and a storm + counting support team (could be friends a sister a boyfriend etc) that strangely enough caring about you even though they really sometimes feel like they don't and no one listening or even there to your aid in times of anxiety and just need in general. living becomes tolerable. it becomes a passer by. and then 2-5 years more Living just becomes... manageable, manageable enough to know that quitting is what death wants you to have. not your life, depression is what death want you to have not your family nor bad days, certainly hurting and killing yourself is not what life wants you to have that's all death's doing and since it keeps trying to do it to us it has a certain win when someone actually dies. when someone takes their own life. I can't imagine what it's like now going there and hasn't crossed my mind in so long even in the bad day i just haven't gotten back there and you'll get there too! but i seriously humanly think in my own perspective... When you die, you will want to wish that you could get out of death too because it didn't help at all it created all of the things that led up to it... and looking at life as a good-time memory will be quickly fading into regrets of what if's and staying in the truffles of things. I'm a Christian and I know that right now once you read that you sigh and probably insulted that label; there's a lot of things we don't know about this world and the spiritual warfare that has been going on for so long. I will save you the Jesus Christ talk but what I'm trying to say is Death CONS outweighs the LIfe because honestly, we can handle life cons. Time really isn't our friend though let me tell you! we can legit kick life and death to its rear butt and bounce back up of course no slander of "you get down you get back up a 100 times stronger". who cares if you haven't gotten back up in 20 years, the only thing that matters and should matter is getting steps back to you. and you alone. Life and or death can't overpower you for long so if you read through this to the end I do believe in all those years you will find yourself full of surprises if you knock life Cons down because once you do little by little of it becomes manageable and life seems to be tolerable to be...living. I'm sorry for the long lengths i just really wanted to share with you something I've gone through and it took me so long to get out and i am out and im tolerating it and im tolerating it even better with Jesus but that's another topic for another time if you ever want to hear it. I really hope you get those little steps so you can show life and death who's boss. and not take your own life. hope to hear from you.


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