mental health (TW: sh)

and the thing is...i wasnt always like this. i despised the fact that people s/h "for attention" because that was my opinion of it back then. I hate it because whenever i did do it, it was my guilty pleasure. i hated the fact that i was in control over it and that it was my decision to go down that path. I didnt want to ask for help because i was too stubborn and didnt want to hurt others around me to see this version of myself. i kept convincing myself that i was okay when really, i wasnt. recently i have told a few close ones around me about what was going on with me and it sucks because they cant really do anything but give advice. its really a matter of whether i want to take that advice and do something with it, which i do and sometimes dont. Sometimes the urge gets so strong that its unsettling. it gets to the point where it messes with my sleeping schedule and eating disorders. and there are also days where i dont feel wanted at all; by anyone. it makes me feel so alone and left out. but i cant blame anyone but myself because ive also done my part in pushing the people i care about the most, away. And thats where the self sabotage comes in and takes over. ngl it hurts so much that im surrounded by people all the time because i cant have that release i need. and i dont want to draw too much attention to myself. idk where my head is at right now. i just need to get a breath of fresh air and let go of everything.